September 12, 2008

Over the years I’ve found that football metaphors work well when I’m talking with couples in my office here in the land of the Sooners and Cowboys. Now that the season is upon us once again, I want to share with you some of my thoughts about the importance of teamwork in intimate relationships as well as in winning football games.

Unlike football teams, couples don’t have a coach – until they decide to hire one - and there are no effective referees on the playing field. Left on their own, they often get stuck in the power struggle stage of relationship building where they function more as adversaries than teammates. No one wins. But they keep playing until a crisis of some kind wakes them up to the need for change.

Fortunately when they first met they were great allies. They were happy when they were together, fascinated with learning about each other, and hopeful of good things to come in the future. They cooperated easily, and they loved to find dreams and goals they had in common. They built strong bonds between them, bonds that help them hang in together even when their emerging differences are painful.

Inevitably the chemistry of attraction that drew them together became less intense as their commitment deepened and they settled into building their relationship. They discovered that each of them was human, not quite as perfect as their initial idealized impression had seemed. With the realities of daily living introducing them to one another in the harsher light of day, they found that there were very real challenges to be faced.

Less hardy souls often take this opportunity to inform their partner that though they love him or her, they are not “in love” as they first thought. They move on to find another romance to enjoy while the first three to four months of chemistry last.

Reasonably mature partners realize that creating and sustaining an enduring committed relationship requires forging ahead into the challenging territory that lies beyond the initial chemistry of attraction. As their bonding deepens, they build a boundary around their relationship that defines them as a couple. The more important the relationship becomes to them, they more their fears and personal vulnerabilities come into play.

One may fear abandonment. The other may be sensitive to anything that sounds possibly rejecting. Gradually each erects defensive stances designed to protect from getting hurt by the other. One gradually may become controlling, demanding, jealous, and suspicious. The other may placate, cajole, plead, apologize, and try not to upset his or her partner. Instead of being the open, honest, safe, and comfortable pair they were early on, they now operate out of fear of losing what they have together. The irony is that their efforts to avoid getting hurt often help create the eventual hurt and loss they fear.

They shift from being great allies to treating each other as adversaries battling for control of the relationship they both want to sustain. They lose touch with parts of themselves as they try to erase their differences by adapting to or trying to change the other. Gradually they develop an enmeshed or symbiotic relationship. It is as if one of them takes the position that “We are one and I am The one,” and the other silently agrees and takes on the complementary stance that “We are one and you are The one.”

The one who is not The one feels like a victim and harbors more and more hidden rage and resentment. The one who is The one loses respect for the partner who adapts to his or her demands and denouncements. They don’t know how to talk about their needs, feelings, and frustrations without ending up in a huge fight that creates more pain and hurt. Instead they battle one another trying to hold together a relationship they value with a partner they devalue and mistrust.

It’s bedlam – Cowboys vs. Sooners – in the battle for dominance in the annual Oklahoma football wars. In football there are teams working together to win the game. In marriage and intimate partnership it is one person against another in a war they may wage for years. Unfortunately if they have children, they may create informal alliances with one or more of their kids against their mate. Dad and daughter or son may stand together against mom and son or daughter. The ongoing competition and fighting are devastating to everyone as they struggle to make the relationship fit their separate ideas of how it ought to be.

Each partner is convinced that it is the other who needs to change. In their frustrated and fearful state of mind, it seems reasonable to try to “remodel” the other rather than consider changing themselves. Attack, blame, and criticism – what I call the ABC’s of power struggle – abound.

They compete with one another. Which one is the good guy and which is the bad guy? Who is right and who is wrong? Who is to blame and who is innocent? Who will call the shots and who will adapt to the other’s demands? One assumes the role of authority and tells the other how he or she ought to do things, think, believe, or act. The other silently resents being treated like a child and manages to rebel and resist, sometimes in active and other times in more passive, hidden ways.

Unhappiness builds and festers. Addictive behaviors emerge or escalate as each tries to cope with the tension in their relationship. They may become more actively abusive with one another, resorting to name calling, bullying, even pushing, hitting, slapping, or otherwise attacking. If they have children, the kids’ behavior reflects the pain they experience at home. They may have difficulties at school and problems getting along with friends. Some will act out and become more and more defiant. Others may resort to being overly adaptive and too good. Physical illnesses may strike. Siblings may seem to fight constantly. They may become addicted to computer games or food.

The whole family system is crying for help. War between mom and dad doesn’t work. No one wins. Everyone loses. This isn’t a game. This is life and help is badly needed. Unfortunately it often takes a major crisis to wake the couple up to the need for change and help.

That wake-up call may come when one partner demands a divorce. Or an affair may be discovered or confessed. Sometimes it is a “mid-life crisis” in one partner that sends the other for help. Addictive behaviors may become so extreme that they can no longer be tolerated. Unresolved grief over the loss of a job, home, or family members may be acted out unconsciously by one person wanting to leave the marriage to avoid possible future vulnerability to loss and pain. Or a child may have problems severe enough that they can no longer be ignored.

In response to the wake-up call, couples may decide to get help to heal their relationship. Or they may choose to end it through divorce. Sadly some endure in their unhappy situation rather than risk making necessary changes. Eventually they may seek help for one of their children rather than also acknowledging their need for help for themselves and their relationship. It may take prodding from the child’s school, a referral from his or her pediatrician, or a mandate from the legal system to force them to take this step. Hopefully the therapist they find suggests that working with the parents is important in helping the child and the whole family.

Once a coach / healer / helper is found and hired, the job of transforming an adversarial relationship system into a well functioning family team can begin. I often tell my clients I am like the coach on the sidelines at a football game. My job is to help them see patterns in their interactions that help or hinder their relationship. I also introduce them to new ways to play the game based on team work, mutual trust and respect, and excellent, effective communication. In addition we look for old emotional wounds that need healing and discover how to release buried pain and apply the soothing salve of forgiveness and letting go.

As a couples’ therapist, I’m not just the coach. I’m also the referee, making sure both partners play by the rules of mutual regard and respect as they interact in my office. During their sessions, I have them practice new ways of communicating and interacting that help them move beyond their old adversarial patterns of relating into becoming genuine allies, peers, and teammates for life.

I point out to them that the patterns in their relationship simply are. They make sense given the family context each of them experienced growing up. There is nothing to criticize or judge, but there is lots to learn that will help. Couples are empowered by being able to see patterns in their interactions rather than remaining blind to them. Seeing a pattern gives them a choice they didn’t have previously. They can continue in that pattern or shift out of it. Remaining blind to a pattern keeps them at its mercy.

There are loving patterns to notice – when they appreciate and affirm one another and are supportive, thoughtful, kind, and forgiving with their words and behavior. There also are plenty of fearful patterns to learn to recognize. One example is blaming the other person for what one is blind to in himself. Another is reacting defensively and attacking one’s partner rather than hearing that person out and being open to his or her point of view, even when it is different from one’s own.

There also are times when one or both partners are triggered by present time events into unconsciously reliving scary experiences from childhood. When this happens, they go into an entranced state of mind and react automatically as they did when they were children or as their frightening parents behaved with them. This mystifies their partner who knows something is wrong but doesn’t know how to respond to or stop the drama.

There also are communication patterns to attend to and correct. A football team huddles before each play. Every player has to be know what is about to happen. Otherwise there would be chaos on the field. Couples also need to huddle regularly and keep each other informed about activities, concerns, goals, and emotional issues. I teach all the couples I work with to use Safe Dialogue when they talk about challenging topics. I’ve written about and described Safe Dialogue in previous articles as well as in my book, Loving Your Partner Without Losing Your Self. Safe Dialogue is a powerful process that teaches new skills and brings deep healing to both partners as they experience being heard accurately, mirrored, validated, and empathized with by their mate. It also teaches couples to express their needs, feelings, concerns, and desires respectfully and honestly without attacking or blaming the other.

While we are working to establish new habits of relating as allies rather than adversaries, I also am helping both partners recognize that their relationship struggles with one another reflect their inner unrest and battling within themselves. What I reject in you mirrors what I also reject in myself. For example, if I think anger is a terrible thing because that’s what I was taught in my family of origin, I will be frightened of your anger and try to get you to hide it as I hide mine. The lesson for me is to learn to recognize and accept my angry feelings and handle them in healthy ways. Your lesson may be to learn to acknowledge and contain your anger more effectively while also being open to the vulnerable feelings that often lie beneath anger in a person who tends to be volatile and easily over aroused.

Both of us need to become more whole by learning to accept all the parts of us – even the shadow parts we were taught were unacceptable. We have trouble seeing those shadow parts in ourselves but we have X-ray vision for them when they show up in others, especially a mate. As we learn to accept the humanness of our partner, we also are learning to accept our own lack of perfection. And as we accept ourselves, even those parts we once thought were shameful, we also are more able to accept and understand our partner. We are becoming more whole and complete and more at peace within ourselves. Our growing inner peace and self-acceptance are reflected by growing peace and acceptance of our partner.

Becoming allies in partnership is about being the love that we are and knowing others as the love that they are as well. It is about calling upon the wisdom of the heart and knowing the mind and intellect as servants of the heart – not its master. Allies consciously choose cooperation over competition. They are committed to being honest – sharing their needs, feelings, goals, desires, and concerns and owning them as their own, not as a deficit in their partner. They listen with open hearts to one another, seeking to understand and accept their differences while being open to synergistic possibilities that often emerge from being open to varying points of view.

Allies forgive readily and let go of past hurts. They take responsibility routinely. They do not expect perfection. Instead they laugh at their mistakes and learn from them. They honor the power of healthy, respectful humor and they are committed to having fun together, being romantic, and spending ample time together to nurture their relationship. They stand by one another during tough times and are firm with one another when they need to be. They also teach their children to be team players and are aware of the power of the words they speak and the examples they set in their family. They honor themselves, their partners and children, and their Spiritual Source, remembering always the great commandment: love God and love your neighbor as yourself.  

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© 2008 Martha Baldwin Beveridge, all rights reserved.

Dr. Guy Doran

Guy's last visit to Oklahoma City was an exciting one. Lots of people left with enthusiastic responses to their experiences with him and anxious to know when he would return. We are already scheduling appointments with Guy for the weekend of October 3 - 5.  

If you haven't done so already, I hope you will plan to join us on Friday evening, October 3 for an informal seminar with him. He will talk about his work and do demonstrations with people in the group. The Friday evening seminar is free to those who haven't yet met Dr. Doran; for repeat participants the fee is $10. Friday evening provides great preparation for working with him on Saturday and/or Sunday.

Perfect Light Machine

We continue to have exciting results with A Perfect Light machine, which we have had available at Options Now since October. To learn more about A Perfect Light, go to Graceful Living Radio audio and click on the interview with Dr. Guy Doran (July 15, 2007). In that interview he describes his experiences using A Perfect Light in his California office. I think you will enjoy the interview and learn lots about the benefits of the light machine -- it's relaxing, it's pleasant and it really works!

About Martha
Martha Baldwin Beveridge is a psychotherapist, writer, and teacher. A Phi Beta Kappa and honors graduate of Wellesley College, she holds a Master of Science in Social Work degree from the University of Louisville.  She is a Diplomate in Clinical Social Work, a Certified Imago Relationship Therapist, and has been in private practice since 1975.

The VIBE Machine
The Vibe Machine is an exciting new resource at Options Now, Inc. It optimizes your body energy vibrations and your feelings of well-being and inner peace. Call our office at
405-843-5258 for available times to experience the Vibe Machine. For an introduction to the Vibe machine, listen to an interview with Gene Koonce, its inventor, by clicking on Graceful Living audio, and then choosing the October 29 interview with Gene. You can also learn more at www.vibemachine.com.

The Heart of Healing
Martha shares with readers how her life has been transformed through embracing breast cancer as a teacher, not her enemy. Whether or not you're facing a major health challenge, you'll benefit from walking along with Martha as she travels a path she wouldn't have consciously chosen but had to face. Read more...