August 10, 2008

Your life is not like it used to be. You’ve been through a change – a profound shift you didn’t expect but had to embrace. There is much to grieve as you face your losses even as there is much to celebrate as you feel gratitude for what is emerging through the transformative process you’re experiencing.

Major changes – whatever they happen to be - present great challenges. We tell ourselves that we know life is about constantly shifting circumstances and experiences. One moment leads to the next. We must let go and move along with the flow of life.

Sometimes that isn’t quite as easy as it may sound. We feel comforted, safe, and in control when we have stable conditions that we are accustomed to handling. All too often we waste precious energy trying to avoid change because we fear the emotional pain we will experience when we let go of what once was and face what now is that must be accepted and embraced.

As a psychotherapist, I’ve seen people keep themselves in miserable relationships, jobs, and situations because they are settled into a life style that though unhappy is at least familiar and accustomed. They are afraid to look honestly at their changing needs, feelings, desires, and dreams lest they discover that they are cheating themselves in profoundly disturbing ways.

Their motto seems to be, “Better to hang in and endure than risk upsetting the status quo.” Meanwhile they tell themselves they are doing this for the good of others. They ignore the costs to themselves and to those they “sacrifice themselves for.” Their unhappiness slips out in hurtful ways when frustrations overwhelm them and they behave in mean and discounting ways toward the people they think they are helping.

And I’ve noticed myself, attached to the ruts I’m in and resistant to changing them for fear I’ll be hurt in some way if I dare follow my heart and do what seems risky and new. All these patterns are variations on the theme of trying to control life by insuring against possible vulnerability. We imagine that if we’re just smart enough and careful enough we can avoid the mistakes, hurts and losses that are simply part of the fabric of life.

We act like the tail that thinks it wags the dog. There is something much greater going on than our small conscious minds can conceive. We are guided and directed by our Souls and the Holy Spirit. Our challenge is to let go, surrender our illusions of control, and tune into the gentle promptings and cues we receive from sources much wiser and informed than our small earth bound minds can perceive.

One incredibly helpful discipline that assists in letting go of control, being present in the present, and flowing with the vicissitudes of life is accepting “what is” rather than resisting whatever it is that we encounter. Last fall a good friend who went with me to a first chemotherapy treatment session brought me a book to read called A Thousand Names for Joy by Byron Katie. The theme of the book is to stop resisting what you encounter in life. Instead embrace it as perfect for the moment you are in, perfect in some way you may not and don’t need to understand, just right for you despite appearing to be something you don’t want or don’t like.

I read that book slowly and carefully. I practiced noticing when I felt myself tightening up and resisting whatever was happening in the present. I let go and let whatever was happening be just right for me in that moment. And I found that I even enjoyed and relaxed through those weekly treatment sessions. I felt better and better, less and less stressed. My work times became effortless. What peace and pleasure to surrender and allow rather than fight against and resist!

Fighting against and resisting can be as subtle as wishing things were different, not liking standing in line, longing for the good ole days, wishing you were somewhere other than where you happen to be or with someone other than your current companion. It can be as big as knowing you need to make a big change and telling yourself that would be impossible or would anger other people or disappoint someone else, or be too big a risk for you to take. It can be as insidious as being critical of your mate and trying to get him to change rather than accepting him as he is and loving him even if he isn’t exactly the way you think he ought to be.

Like a mountain stream, life is constantly moving. Now is not the now that was when I started writing this article. Your now when you read these words will be different still. Each moment is unique, not to be recaptured but precious in its own time and space. Living fully is being open to that now - whatever and however it is. Loving is accepting you in each moment and accepting others in their moment just as you are in yours. Healing flows from accepting what is with me and with you. Faith flows from experiencing the perfection of it all whether or not we can see or fathom how that perfection can be.

Change stirs powerful feelings – the grief and sadness of loss, the excitement of new beginnings and new possibilities, the anger of no longer having what we thought we had to have, the courage to do the hard work required to get out of our ruts and on with what comes next in our lives, the shame we may feel if we tell ourselves we should have done things differently or guilt ourselves for our mistakes. To flow through life changes with grace and fluidity we have to allow and embrace those feelings whatever they happen to be. Expressing and acknowledging our emotions frees us from the hold of the past and releases our energy so we can move on and be fully at home in the present.

If we block, deny, and hold onto those emotions, we cripple ourselves in myriad ways and keep ourselves stuck in the past. We may get physically ill, have unexplained aches, pains, stomach troubles, headaches, depression, anxiety, overwhelmed feelings, and mental, emotional and spiritual shutdown. By denying our feelings we fight against the flow of the river of life. Like fish trying to swim upstream, we get battered, bruised, and exhausted in the process.

Often we don’t realize how programmed we are in this culture to avoid what we feel. Instead we go to our heads. We over-think. We obsess about details that aren’t all that important. We go numb. We go to sleep. We isolate ourselves with work, alcohol, drugs, computers, and other handy addictions.

Our early training is like a huge undertow that pulls us down and away from riding the waves of life – the ups and downs of feelings we encounter everyday. I still have to remind myself to check in with my feelings – to consciously ask myself what I’ve tried to avoid by staying busy and keeping myself distracted from the emotional dimension of my life.

Grieving, crying, writing about our pain, pounding anger out with a punching bag or on a pillow, having a friend listen, mirror, and validate our feelings are all wonderful ways of letting go and freeing ourselves to move on with life. Despite what we’ve been taught, feelings are nothing to fear. They are our friends and allies in clearing away what is finished in our lives so we can move into what is offered us now. (For more on Emotional Digestion read the May 2008 article.)

Every emotional release we allow enlivens us, frees our energy, inspires us to explore new the dimensions of possibility we can see when our vision isn’t clouded by the fog of clinging to what is past. Don’t just hide your feelings and put the past behind you as we are often told to do. Instead experience it fully – then you really can let it go. Done is done. Now is now. Embrace it. Look forward to the surprises tomorrow may bring. Feel what you feel. Open your heart to life! Embrace the changes you long to make.

Dr. Guy Doran

Guy's last visit to Oklahoma City was an exciting one. Lots of people left with enthusiastic responses to their experiences with him and anxious to know when he would return. We are already scheduling appointments with Guy for the weekend of October 3 - 5.  

If you haven't done so already, I hope you will plan to join us on Friday evening, October 3 for an informal seminar with him. He will talk about his work and do demonstrations with people in the group. That evening is great preparation for working with him on Saturday and/or Sunday.

Perfect Light Machine

We continue to have exciting results with A Perfect Light machine, which we have had available at Options Now since October. To learn more about A Perfect Light, go to Graceful Living Radio audio and click on the interview with Dr. Guy Doran (July 15, 2007). In that interview he describes his experiences using A Perfect Light in his California office. I think you will enjoy the interview and learn lots about the benefits of the light machine -- it's relaxing, it's pleasant and it really works!

About Martha
Martha Baldwin Beveridge is a psychotherapist, writer, and teacher. A Phi Beta Kappa and honors graduate of Wellesley College, she holds a Master of Science in Social Work degree from the University of Louisville.  She is a Diplomate in Clinical Social Work, a Certified Imago Relationship Therapist, and has been in private practice since 1975.

The VIBE Machine
The Vibe Machine is an exciting new resource at Options Now, Inc. It optimizes your body energy vibrations and your feelings of well-being and inner peace. Call our office at
405-843-5258 for available times to experience the Vibe Machine. For an introduction to the Vibe machine, listen to an interview with Gene Koonce, its inventor, by clicking on Graceful Living audio, and then choosing the October 29 interview with Gene. You can also learn more at www.vibemachine.com.

The Heart of Healing
Martha shares with readers how her life has been transformed through embracing breast cancer as a teacher, not her enemy. Whether or not you're facing a major health challenge, you'll benefit from walking along with Martha as she travels a path she wouldn't have consciously chosen but had to face. Read more...