Emotional Digestion

We know the importance of fully digesting the food we eat. The moment anything interferes with that vital process, we feel physical discomfort that tells us something is wrong. And we seek relief.

Fully digesting our feelings is equally crucial to our well being. Denying or burying feelings creates the unpleasant experience that I call emotional indigestion.

The symptoms associated with physical indigestion are unmistakable. There are clear signals that alert us to emotional indigestion as well. Unfortunately we may not recognize those signals or know how to treat them.

Perhaps you’ve experienced typical distresses like these. You’re out of sorts and tell yourself that you’re having a bad day. You may feel down, depressed, or anxious. Or you may be touchy, unusually irritable, and short of patience. Many people suddenly are tired – sometimes so exhausted that they can barely function. Others sleep, drink too much, smoke compulsively, overeat, gamble, get sick, use drugs, or feel desperate for sex. Picking a fight with a mate or child is commonplace. Battling over inconsequential issues lets off steam but doesn’t address the real source of the pain that lies beneath aggressive behavior.

All these signals remind us that denied feelings don’t go away even though we may do our best to block or hide them. Instead of choosing to acknowledge and validate our feelings, then express them directly and appropriately when this is necessary and advisable, we unconsciously act them out in ways that hurt us, harm other people, and damage our relationships. We suffer from emotional indigestion that upsets us and is contagious to others as well.

Fortunately there is a cure for what ails us. Relief comes quickly when we make friends with our feelings and learn to digest them effectively. I suggest a six-phase process that heals emotional indigestion as surely as Pepto-Bismol relieves physical digestive difficulties.

The first phase of this process involves noticing and naming what you feel. Feelings are described by a single word like angry, sad, scared, joyful, or successful. You can ask yourself, “Am I feeling ashamed, guilty, apathetic, frightened, wishful, angry, proud, brave, neutral, accepting, successful, loving, joyful, or even blissful? As you identify your feelings, you may uncover layers of different emotions that unfold as you embrace them. Look beneath anger for sadness and hurt, fears and regrets as well as what you appreciate about the person or situation you are addressing.

The second phase of the digestive process overlaps the first. As you notice and name what you feel, you breathe deeply, inhaling and exhaling fully. This allows your breath to support you as you feel what you feel. Deep breathing calms you and helps your feelings move through you so you can assimilate and release them. Be aware of the tendency many people have to hold their breath in order not to feel emotions they are afraid to experience. Holding or short circuiting your breath contributes to emotional indigestion. Breathing fully and freely helps heal it.

Phase three overlaps phases one and two. As you notice and name your feelings while breathing deeply to support yourself in that process, remember to be respectful of your emotions. You have the right to feel what you feel. There is no need to justify your feelings. They simply are what they are. Validate your feelings by reminding yourself that whatever you feel is understandable, acceptable, and quite natural.

The fourth phase flows from the first three. It is taking full responsibility for what you feel. Your feelings belong to you, not to someone else. No one else makes you feel what you feel. Nor do you have to be the victim of your emotions. You are making friends with your feelings so they serve you rather than frighten or defeat you. [i]

The fifth phase is choosing how you will express your feelings. You may want to talk or even shout them out when you are alone and can say whatever you want to say without being concerned about harming someone else. You might choose to write about what you feel in your journal or in a letter that you may or may not send to someone else. Once you express your emotions privately, you then can decide if and when you want to talk with other people about how you feel. Telling someone you trust about your feelings is helpful. Ask that person to listen and mirror what you say. Honestly confessing your feelings is like chewing what you eat. It allows you to fully digest what you feel.

Another great way to digest your feelings is by using a process called the Emotional Freedom Technique. This involves using the index and middle fingers of one hand to gently tap various acupressure points on your body while making a statement related to the feelings you are facing. Formulate a statement like, “Even though I feel angry and confused, I deeply love and accept myself.” Or “Even though I am sad and lonely right now, I know I am safe and OK.”

Once you have your descriptive statement, tap continuously on what is called the karate chop point – about two inches below where your little finger joins your hand and on the outside edge of your hand - while saying your statement aloud three times. Then use a shorter phrase to remind you of the subject of your tapping as you continue your treatment. While saying aloud, “feeling angry and confused” or “feeling sad and lonely” as your reminder, tap about seven times on each of these points in sequence: the inside edge of your eyebrow; the bone you feel outside and beside your eye, the bone you feel beneath your eye, the middle of the area between your nose and your lip; the middle of the area between the bottom of your lip and your chin; a soft spot about two inches beneath your collar bone and just away from the center of your body; a spot under your arm about where the middle of a bra strap would be; and back again to the karate chop point where you started. Then circle your wrist with your other hand and say, “peace.”

If necessary, repeat the process, modifying your statement by saying, “Even though I still feel angry and confused, I deeply love and accept myself.” Or, “Even though I still feel sad and lonely, I know I am safe and OK.” Then use a reminder phrase like “remaining anger and confusion” or “remaining sadness and loneliness” while tapping the points described above.

For a full description of the basic recipe for using EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique), go to www.emotionalfreedomtechnique.com. Sometimes it is necessary to tap for layers of emotion that link back into painful experiences from the past. There are also shortcuts and more extended versions of tapping that may be useful to you.

The object of all these processes is ultimately to let go of your feelings once you have acknowledged, validated, and digested them. You don’t need to hang onto your feelings to punish yourself or anyone else. You do need to allow your emotions to teach you the important life lessons that are inherent in your experiences. Doing so, you free yourself to move on to whatever is your next in your life.

As you practice the emotional digestion process, you will encounter two categories of feelings. The first includes feelings that arise spontaneously in response to life events that profoundly affect you and are beyond your personal control. The events of September 11 are an example of this kind of emotional challenge. Other examples include major life changes, losses, illnesses, and other people’s behavior. Feelings also arise spontaneously when we have major accomplishments, joys, and successes. All these experiences stir deep spontaneous feelings within us – some painful and some pleasurable.

The second category of feelings includes emotions that arise within us in response to how we think about and interpret what we experience. We create these feelings through the thoughts we think and the meanings we make of what happens in our lives. When we tell ourselves frightening, negative, judgmental, shaming, and anxiety producing stories about what happens to us, we feel scared, depressed, anxious, and guilty. When we acknowledge our anger and sadness about events that are beyond our control while also telling ourselves that we’ll cope, we’ll survive, we’ll find a way to deal with what we have to face, and that eventually we’ll find the gifts hidden deep within even the most awful circumstances, we soothe ourselves. In response to such healing messages and interpretations, we feel hope, confidence, inner peace, and genuine power.

Again September 11 provides instructive examples. In the immediate aftermath of the attacks, there was a great deal on television and radio that simply addressed what was happening and the terrible shock and grief the whole world shared. As days passed, the coverage shifted to more and more analysis of what happened and coverage of the war that ensued. Much of that was useful and helpful in coping with the readjustment of our thinking that all of us faced. At the same time there was a decided focus on the most negative, frightening aspects of the experience at hand with much less attention focused on the miracles of love and healing that also happened that day. Certainly the heroism of the rescue workers was applauded, patriotism was ignited, generosity was triggered, and pride was felt as we coped with our devastation. But we didn’t hear much about how many people escaped from the buildings, how many happened to be delayed or prevented from being there on the day the terrorists struck, the spiritual awakenings that occurred as a result of that awful day, or the renaissance of spirit that might emerge in New York and Washington as it did in Oklahoma City after April 19.

All of us have strong feelings about the terrible events we’ve witnessed in recent years. We grieve. We are shocked and afraid. We hurt. We are angry. We are proud of our country and our heritage. We celebrate the courage of those who rescue, those who cope, and those who fight and defend. These are our pure emotional responses to the shock of events we did not anticipate and could not control or escape.

We also must be concerned about the second category of feelings we have about these events. How we decide to think about and interpret those terrible experiences also determines our emotional state. Certainly we must be aware of how much we choose to allow the news media to control our minds and determine our feelings. We can make conscious choices to think in encouraging, healing ways that help us soothe our anxieties while also taking into account the seriousness of the current world situation.

On a smaller scale we face similar challenges every day in our personal lives. How we choose to frame and think about those challenges determines much of how we feel, the energy we have to cope, and the joy we can feel just being alive. The power of our interpretations can’t be over estimated. We make up stories about what things mean, we believe our stories, and then we behave as if they were true. Our own internal newscasts broadcast continuously in our heads and may be just as negative and scary as what we get on the TV at 6:00 and 10:00 PM.

The good news is that we can make conscious choices to monitor what we tell ourselves and change fearful stories to ones that inspire, encourage, and uplift. Our feelings in response to new, loving interpretations will be pleasant ones that support us, enliven us, and energize us for happier loving and living.

If you encounter feelings that just won't clear, look more deeply within yourself. Ask yourself when you felt similar feelings at earlier times in your life. Trace these feelings back through the years being sure to include your adolescent and childhood experiences. You'll find that today's upsets often tap into reservoirs of buried feelings from the past. What you feel now invites you to uncover, face, acknowledge, validate, express appropriately and ultimately release long buried hurt, anger, and grief from your history. Each time you clear old previously denied feelings, you free yourself to enjoy life more fully and be more whole, healthy, and true to yourself today.

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[i] You may find my booklet, Make Friends With Your Feelings, a useful resource. It is available through my office, 1-800-345-8477, or my website, www.marthabeveridge.com .