21 Early Warning Signs for Relationships in Distress

You’ve no doubt read warning signs for physical problems like cancer, strokes, heart attacks, and possible diabetes. There also are plenty of radio and television programs as well as magazine and internet articles that alert us to indications of physical, emotional, and sexual abuse, not to mention possible problems with drugs, foods, cars, the air we breathe, and the addictions we create.

Despite the warnings we receive, it can be difficult to heed them, especially when doing so may mean facing major challenges and making changes in habits and life styles that though painful, are old, comfortable and familiar. We become accustomed to the ruts we create for ourselves as we live our lives day to day. It seems easier to rock along with the way things are than to risk shaking things up by waking up to problems we don’t really know how to face.

I present the 21 warning signs that follow with awareness that you’ve probably already heard enough warnings to last you for a lifetime. If you are brave enough to keep reading, you may recognize come of these patterns in your life. If so, you may be reluctant to consider how powerfully they affect you. Obviously the point in putting these warning signs out is to present a sort of wake-up call for marriages and intimate partnerships that are ailing. But just as we may reach over and silence the alarm clock when we don’t want to get up to face a new day, you may want to tune out concerns you feel when you read them.

Needless to say, tuning out can be costly. Everyday in my office I talk with couples who say, “I wish we had done this years ago before we did so much damage to our relationship.” While there is still plenty of hope for healing marriages, even those in severe crisis, it certainly is easier to address issues before they’ve had years to fester.

There is also the further objection that funds are short and you may not see how you can afford the cost of marital counseling. I would remind you that divorces are lots more costly, not just financially but also emotionally and physically. Couples coaching and counseling doesn’t have to take forever. Just a few sessions can make a big difference in your marriage. There also are excellent books to read that can help you get started on the path to healing. Check out Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix, Hot Monogamy by Pat Love, and my book, Loving Your Partner Without Losing Yourself.

With all that said, here are my 21 early warning signs for relationships in distress:

• You no longer have a 5 to 1 ratio of positive to negative interactions between you and your mate.
• You hide your true feelings from each other – especially anger, hurt, and disappointment – in order to avoid conflict.
• Your unexpressed feelings gradually have become a wall of trivia that creates distance and disconnection between you.
• You fight frequently about time, money, and sex without solving anything.
• You often resort to the ABC’s of power struggle. You attack, blame, and criticize your partner.
• You believe your partner is responsible for what is wrong between you.
• You try to control your mate’s behavior.
• You have little empathy for your spouse. Instead you are convinced that you are right, and he or she is wrong.
• You want to change your partner so you won’t have to change yourself.
• You act with your partner as if you are a parent correcting a misbehaving child. Or, you behave with your partner like a child trying to manipulate a controlling parent.
• Your sexual relationship is suffering.
• You talk more openly with friends and business associates than you do with your mate.
• You are flirting with having an affair - or having one.
• You are closer to your parents and original family than you are to your mate.
• One or both of you is addicted to alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, food, work, TV, the computer, or other activities that numb your pain and isolate you from each other.
• You and your mate relate to each other through your children rather than directly.
• You rarely spend time together as a couple without the children or other couples to distract you from each other.
• You fill your time with work or other activities so there is no leisure for relaxation and romance.
• There is physical, emotional, and / or sexual abuse in your marriage.
• One or both of you refuses to ask for help to heal your marriage.
• One or both of you is depressed, physically ill, anxious, overweight, or having lots of physical pain.

If you recognize issues in your relationship, I invite you to bite the bullet and risk saying, “I think we need some help.” I know lots of people think they should know how to solve their problems “on their own.” The trouble is, if they knew how, they would already have managed to make the necessary adjustments. The truth is none of us had much or any real education about relationships and how to understand what they require. We expect to receiving job training, we go to school to become skilled enough to practice various professions, we are endlessly fascinated with coaches who create great football and basketball teams, but somehow we imagine that when it comes to marriage, we’re just born knowing what to do. For most of us, the major model we have for how relationships function is our parents’ marriage. Emulating what we experienced and observed growing up works well for some people, but lots of folks are pretty clear that the last thing they want to do is to recreate the dysfunction they saw in their childhood homes.

We wouldn’t expect a sports team to be great without a lot of expert coaching. We know a football team couldn’t function without regular practice sessions, effective communication during huddles, skilled direction from the sidelines, and great leadership and cooperation among team members. Why expect great relationships without effective coaching and regular practice sessions designed to develop excellent communication, great teamwork, and genuine cooperation? Surely your marriage and family are worth at least as much effort as we expect from a sports team.

It’s fun and greatly relieving to move beyond the inevitable power struggle phase where relationships typically become stuck. Once you and your partner experience the joy of becoming conscious in your loving and relating, you open the door to romance and pleasure far greater than what you felt during your courtship. You become vintage lovers who like fine wine are seasoned and enhanced by jointly mastering the real life challenges of living in loving relationship. It’s a journey. Now is the time to take the first steps. Bon voyage!