Stopping Boundary Violations

One key expression of love is respect – for yourself, for others, and for God. From a spiritual perspective, all of us are intimately connected since we are part of the magnificent whole of God’s creation. Like leaves, we emerge from a bud on a branch which helps form a limb which joins the trunk and helps shape the whole that is the tree. Some live through an entire spring and summer season. Some fall from the tree earlier than expected. All are of equal importance to the tree, virtually identical in appearance, and destined to live, die, and re-bud again the next budding season. Each is one with the whole of the tree.

It’s hard to imagine leaves fighting with one another, judging, criticizing, or discounting other leaves, imagining that one should save another, or that one is more powerful, important, and beautiful than its neighbors. Unless there is lots more going on than our human eyes and ears can fathom, it seems safe to assume that the leaves on a tree live in harmony and peace, enjoying their relatively brief sojourn for a season in the life of their source.

As human beings with lots more freedom and many more choices available to us, we have bigger challenges to face when it comes to respecting ourselves and others. We learn about love and respect in the families that raise us. Our internal computers are programmed early in life by our experiences with our parents, caretakers, teachers, and society. We develop habits of relating that are remarkably like those of the people who have the strongest influences in our early lives.

We also come to believe that these habits can be difficult to change. Holding that belief, it is easy to rock along assuming that the ways we behave are relatively fixed and unlikely to be altered. We find plenty of excuses for keeping ourselves in the behavioral boxes we inhabit that, though not always comfortable, are at least old, familiar, and automatic.

Perhaps you’ve heard the story told by Clarissa Pinkola Estes in her book Women Who Run With the Wolves, [1]about a dog who was placed by researchers in a large cage. One half of the floor of the cage was wired so that when the dog stepped into that side of the cage, he received an electrical shock. The dog learned to stay on the safe side of the cage. Time passed. Eventually the researchers rewired the floor of the cage so that now the other side of the cage shocked the dog and the side that previously had been wired was now clear. The dog was confused at first and then learned to stay where he wouldn’t be shocked. Again time passed and he became accustomed to his new situation. Finally the researchers wired the entire floor of the cage. Now the dog was confused and panicked. Soon he gave up, recognizing he had no choice but to submit to random electrical shocks no matter where he was in the cage. He became accustomed to his new circumstances and submitted to them. After another extended period of time, the researchers opened the door of the cage.

What did the dog do? We’d like to think that he ran joyfully out of the cage into the freedom that awaited him in a world where the ground is not wired to shock. But instead, he stayed right where he had become accustomed to being – in the cage. By this time he had learned that no matter what, eventually he ended up being shocked. Quite naturally he believed that his experience would be no different outside the cage. Like so many of us, pain that is familiar and predictable seems safer than venturing out of our invisible cages into new territory where we might find much greater freedom and joy – but we believe will be no different from what we’ve learned to expect.

Learning to stop boundary violating behaviors is like having the courage to step outside the cage and discover new, much more satisfying ways of relating. Rather than scaring others by intruding on them, neglecting them, or freezing them out, we can learn to treat them with the respect they deserve and the respect with which we want to be treated. It is the difference between living in love and being controlled by fear as people who have been violated repeatedly tend to be. Like the dog, they are resigned to suffering as the price they must pay for relating to others. If their lives and relationships are to improve, they must find the courage necessary to step into a much larger world of loving possibilities.

Fear is the energy that propels us into violating other people’s boundaries. It is also our instinctive reaction to feeling violated by others. The fright we feel triggers the most primitive part of our brain into action to protect us and insure our survival. We forget our connection with others. We forget that we are all one with our Divine Source. We feel separate and alone. We imagine that our very survival is at stake as our “old” brain kicks in to make sure we aren’t destroyed by what it perceives as a mortal enemy.

This “reptilian” or “old” brain, as it is called, has only three possible choices. It demands that we fight to protect ourselves or flee from danger or freeze in place – like a deer caught in the headlights.

In the face of this powerful “old” brain directive, we go on automatic pilot and - without thinking - react in one of these three ways. Doing so, we in turn violate the boundaries of the person who has just violated ours. This pours fuel on the conflict erupting between us. Our fears - experienced as anger and hurt - intensify. Before we know it, the stakes escalate and more harm ensues.

But there are other possible choices – ways to stop such emotional violence by keeping fear in check and allowing love to fill the empty places where old pain is stored within us. We can start by reminding ourselves that we are much more than the drama that is unfolding between us and another person. We are much more than the feelings and thoughts that may be racing around inside us. We are the conscious witness that is watching the movie that is currently playing on the screen of our lives.

As this conscious witness we can notice boundary violations and our old brain’s reaction to them. We can’t stop the fearful reaction we feel inside ourselves – the urge to fight, flee, or freeze. But we can watch those reactions and choose not to allow those frightened “old” brain urges to control us. Instead we can engage our more evolved “higher” or “new” brain to soothe us and then help us think about how to respond to the situation at hand rather than be controlled by our “knee-jerk” urge to react.

Here’s a useful sequence for your conscious witness to follow:

1. Notice boundary violations – whether you violate my boundaries or I violate yours.

2. Notice your internal, “old” brain reaction – the urge you feel to fight, flee, or freeze.

3. Engage your higher, “new” brain to soothe yourself and then to think about making a more rational choice rather than allowing your “old” brain to control you.

Following this sequence – notice, soothe, think – you can interrupt boundary violating behavior patterns. Instead of escalating your emotions into greater intensity, you use your head and heart to help you find a loving response rather than a fearful reaction.[2]

Self-soothing is a skill we must develop in order to care for ourselves adequately as we interact with others. It is an art we acquire by cultivating a loving voice within us that assures us of our worth, affirms our capacities to cope with life, and reminds us to take a deep breath and relax in the midst of stress. It comforts us when we are frightened and upset. This loving voice is like a nurturing parent that lives within us. It gives us the life affirming messages we need to help ourselves through difficult experiences and troublesome times in our lives.

We can create or strengthen such a nurturing voice within us by writing down loving, reassuring messages to use when we need soothing. Perhaps you would like to hear comforting words like, “God loves you and all is well. You can handle this. Just take a deep breath and let go. You have nothing to fear. Take this one moment at a time. Right this moment, you’re OK.” Or use the mantra that helps take you into a meditative state – words like “I am, God Breathed,” “Om namah shivaya,” or “Om mani padme hum.”

Post these and other self-nurturing messages on an index card to display on your refrigerator door, your mirror, or in your car where you will see them regularly. Speak your loving messages out loud frequently. Say them silently to yourself. Repeat them many times every day. Make them a part of you. Then call them to mind when you notice that you are tempted to react in fear to what someone else says or does.

When that happens, soothe yourself with your reassuring messages and be aware of centering yourself in love. Take three deep breaths and release them slowly. Ask for help from God. Invite the Holy Spirit to come into your heart. Be still and feel your connection with your Spiritual Source.

Then when you feel peaceful and ready, make a short, simple statement to the other person. Let your message be firm, clear, and not emotional. For example, you might say, “I am calling for time out so both of us can calm down. Then let’s come back together and talk about what we need to understand.” Or, “Please respect that I’m not a child, and I’m not willing to be scolded.” Or, “Let’s back up and start this conversation again. I don’t want to give you a knee-jerk reaction to what you just said.”

If you refuse to be drawn into a fight, a fight will not occur. It takes two to tango. If the other person refuses your request for time out or a new approach, leave the room and disengage. When you are alone, acknowledge your feelings about having your boundaries violated. Accept that it is OK to feel hurt and angry.

You may want to write about what you feel or decide how you want to tell the other person - at a later time - about your feelings. Sometimes simply acknowledging and validating your feelings for yourself are all you need do to release the situation at hand. Other times you may want to dialogue with the other person about what happened. It is your job to decide upon the wisest way to care for yourself. Your goal is to move beyond what happened without ignoring your feelings and needs - and without making a bigger deal out of the situation than it warrants.

If – after acknowledging your feelings and expressing yourself appropriately – you are still angry and upset, look for what the situation at hand stirs up in you from the past. Ask yourself how your boundaries were violated in childhood in ways that were similar to what just happened. When you find a connection to your personal history, write in your journal about the incident you remember and your feelings about it.

Address your anger, your sadness, your fears, what you regret, and finally what you appreciate about that old experience. When you have worked your way through all these layers of emotion, you should feel lots of relief. You’ll probably be ready to let go of your old hurts as well as your more recent ones. If not, keep searching and writing and working through the old wounds buried deep within you. Step by step you’ll bring deeper and deeper healing to the wounded child that lives within you. And you’ll find yourself available to enjoy life more fully in the present.

Boundary violations happen when people are afraid. They are best stopped by the healing energy of love applied to the scary situation at hand. Love is always stronger than fear. It will prevail when all else fails. Like soothing ointment on a painful burn, love sets a healing process in motion. Applied moment by moment, time after time, it brings miracles into situations and events that at first glace feel overwhelming and hopeless.

So when your boundaries are violated remember to notice, soothe, and think in the spirit of love and healing. You’ll give yourself the gift of self-respect as you discover your powerful potential for self-mastery. You’ll give your partner, child, parent, friend, or business associate the gift of keeping your boundaries intact in the face of his or her temporary slip into the clutches of fear. Both of you will grow and gain confidence in the sanity and strength of the relationship you share.

To help insure that you minimize your chances of violating other people’s boundaries, it may help to remember this mantra. “I see myself in you. I have no need or right to see you as a bad guy I need to judge, criticize, or blame. I have no need or right to see you as a victim I need to rescue. I have no need to try to manipulate you into rescuing me. I count. You count. The world we share counts. All is well. I am safe. I am love. I am light. And so are you!

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[1] Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Women Who Run With the Wolves: Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype (New York: Ballantine Books, 1992) p.244.

[2] In this article I am focusing on self-soothing and clear thinking responses to boundary violations when they occur. In an earlier article I describe boundary violating behavior patterns and how to recognize them. You can review that article on my website: www.lovetips.com/blog. . You will find a more in depth discussion of boundary violations and how to recognize them in my book, Loving Your Partner Without Losing Your Self. There is also an earlier article available on my website about developing non-judging awareness of your inner processes.