Recognizing Boundary Violations

Healthy boundaries are vital to healthy relationships. They insure that each person in an intimate partnership loves and respects himself and his mate.

Partners with healthy boundaries honor their differences. They realize that they are attracted to each other precisely because they are not two peas in a pod. Each of them is a distinct, unique individual. Each is God’s wonderful creation and is worthy, loveable, and deserving of respect. Their lifetime challenge is to know each other, accept each other, and grow into wholeness together.

Their intimate relationship is the crucible within which they are sure to encounter the healing issues they need to face. These healing issues emerge with a boom when one partner violates the other’s boundaries. When this happens they are catapulted back into the pain they felt as children when they suffered similar discounting and disrespect.

Boundary violations hurt. They cause us to react to protect ourselves from danger. The most primitive part of our brain swings into action when another person violates our body, mind, emotions, or spirit. This “old” brain (a.k.a. the “reptilian” brain) has only three possible choices. It directs us to fight, flee, or freeze in order to ensure our survival.

We cannot fail to react when we feel violated and threatened. But we can learn to notice our reactions. By using our “new” brain (a.k.a. the frontal lobe) to recognize our impulse to fight, flee, or freeze, we can make conscious choices about how we will behave in the face of our instinctive urges. Instead of just knee jerk reacting, we can stop and think about a healthier, more appropriate way to behave. After all, our physical survival usually is not at stake - even though the old brain makes no distinction about the level of threat or hurt we feel. (More on this in my next article)

There are three types of boundary violations. Other people may intrude on us, violating our bodies, our feelings, our thoughts, or our spirits. They may neglect us by ignoring our needs, feelings, thoughts, and desires. Or they may freeze us out, denying our importance and the significance of our relationship with them.

Boundary violations affect us physically, emotionally, mentally, and / or spiritually. It is important to recognize boundary-violating behaviors in order to stop them and relate to our partners, children, friends, parents and colleagues in ways that respect us both.

Intrusive Boundary Violations

Intrusive boundary violations are frightening and feel rejecting. Physically intrusive boundary violations hurt our bodies and are dangerous to our safety and physical survival. They are easy to identify and include obvious actions like hitting, slapping, pinching, and shaking. Unwanted tickling and unwanted touch are physically intrusive. There also are cruel criminal invasions that intentionally inflict bodily harm like cutting, stabbing, choking, twisting arms and legs, striking with a fist, rape, stealing, and destroying physical possessions. Murder is the ultimate physical intrusion.

Emotionally intrusive boundary violations involve using feelings as manipulative tools for attempting to control others. Guilt trips are an obvious example. We also use anger, helplessness, tears, blaming, attacking, and posing as martyrs and victims to try to force others to behave as we want them to do. In addition, emotionally intrusive boundary violations occur when we make assumptions about what other people feel and then believe and act upon what we imagine. Or we tell others what they feel, failing to notice that what we imagine is in them is actually happening within us.

Mentally intrusive boundary violations are attempts to force ideas and beliefs on others without regard for the integrity and value of their thinking and reasoning. They occur when we imagine that what we think is the truth and should be as obvious to others as it is to us. Mind reading is another form of mental intrusion when we pretend we know what others are thinking better than they do.

Overprotective efforts to tell people what they ought to do are invasive as well – unless they have clearly requested our input. Discounting statements like, “You’re stupid, dumb, wrong, or misguided” also are violating and hurtful. Another particularly vicious form of mental intrusion is telling others that they didn’t see what they saw or experience what they experienced. Often such pronouncements are followed by demands that they keep secrets about what happened and protect others at their own expense.

Spiritual boundary violations take place when one person or group condemns the beliefs of another by acting as if only they are authorized to represent God. Spiritual intrusions are grandiose attempts to speak for God implying that anyone who thinks or experiences the Divine differently is misguided or evil. Such intrusions are efforts to control others and enjoin them from thinking, questioning, or openly exploring their spiritual nature.

Neglectful Boundary Violations

Neglect is a failure to do something that is necessary or desirable in an intimate partnership. It is less visible and harder to identify than boundary intrusions are, because it is more difficult to notice what is missing than what is present.

Physical neglect involves not caring for our partners or ourselves properly. This can mean not feeding, eating, sleeping, or resting. It also can mean not caring for our bodies with adequate exercise, nutrition, health care, or personal hygiene. Ignoring sexual needs is neglectful as is not touching, hugging, or giving and receiving physical comfort, warmth, and attention.

Emotional neglect is commonplace in today’s world. Many who are adults now were trained as children to ignore their feelings and discount their importance. They may tell their mates not to feel what they feel or turn away from them when they are in emotional distress. Other examples of emotional neglect include not responding to what a partner says or interrupting her when she speaks. Ignoring what a partner tells us or failing to do what we say we will or will not do also constitute emotional neglect.

Mental neglect happens when one partner refuses to acknowledge the importance or validity of what the other thinks, even though he may disagree with her ideas. Changing the subject when a spouse shares his ideas or thoughts or not responding to what he says are also examples of mental neglect. Making a joke of what a mate reveals and not speaking to her or acknowledging her presence are wounding and violate her dignity. Another form of mental neglect is disagreeing with a partner – no matter what he says or does.

Spiritual neglect is commonplace in our culture. It occurs when we ignore the inner realm of Spirit and focus exclusively on the material world as the only bona fide reality.

Freezing and Avoiding Boundary Violations

Freezing and avoiding behaviors leave people looking tense – as if they have themselves under rigid control. They may be excessively thin and tightly strung. Or they may be obese, inflated by the pressure of the pain they hold inside themselves. They may be uncomfortable with touch and cut off from their sexuality. Often they avoid spending time with their partners, may change plans abruptly, leave unexpectedly and without discussion, or not show up for an appointment.

Emotional freezing and avoiding turn feelings into ice and make it difficult to connect in a genuine way with others. People who put their emotions on ice use addictions to mask their pain. They also resort to compulsive activities like over spending, intense cleaning, and obsessive thinking to cover their anxiety.

Depression marked by excessive sleeping, neglecting necessary life tasks, and procrastinating is also a sign of emotional freezing. People who avoid their feelings tend to change the subject when feelings are expressed. They make jokes to diffuse feelings and fail to respond to messages, letters, requests, or phone calls. Their behavior is an unconscious effort to sidestep potentially emotional encounters with their partners, colleagues, or relatives.

Mental freezing and avoiding are apparent in people who talk non-stop and give others no chance to speak. Their unconscious strategy is to control the airwaves so nothing can be said that might be difficult for them to handle. They are quick to interrupt, change the subject, talk over what others are saying, or allow only “small talk.” They don’t use their intelligence to solve problems. Instead they tend to judge others for what they ignore in themselves.

Spiritual freezing and avoiding are evident in people who lock themselves into constant frantic activity that allows them no space for quiet times of prayer, meditation, and reflection. They tend not to notice their blessings and have trouble expressing love, gratitude, and appreciation to others – especially their partners. Their lives – though they may seem successful in material terms – feel empty and meaningless. Their relationships are stagnant, drained of the vital spiritual energy that would nurture them with peace, joy, and contentment.

Witnessing Boundary Violations

Boundary violations are defensive styles of relating. They hide true feelings. Instead of openly revealing yourself, you attack, withdraw, or deny your experience. You pretend that you feel powerful rather than noticing how vulnerable you feel.

When you violate your partner’s boundaries, you hand your vulnerable feelings off to her. If she takes your behavior at face value, she feels angry, sad, and vulnerable. She can’t respond to your true needs, because she doesn’t know what they are. Instead she is likely to react to feeling hurt by violating your boundaries in return. It doesn’t take long for a raging battle to ensue - or for the two of you to resort to a cold emotional stand off. In the end, both of you feel shaken, sad, and sorry. You’ve wounded each other once more – much as you were wounded when you were kids.

My next article deals with how to stop boundary violating patterns of behavior. For now, start noticing without judging yourself when you are tempted to intrude upon others, neglect them, or freeze them out. Please don’t point out your mate’s mistakes – that would be yet another way to violate his boundaries. Instead concentrate on becoming more conscious of your own choices. Wake-up, pay attention, and start recognizing new options that are yours when you use your consciousness to help you grow.

In last month’s article, I talked about centering yourself in love and inner peace. When you are centered, you are able to consciously witness your inner processes without judging them or allowing them to take you over and control your behavior. The next time you feel violated by others or notice yourself about to react with fight, flee, or freeze behaviors, try recalling this image.

Imagine that you are watching a pendulum that has been disturbed so it swings in a wide arc from one extreme point to the other. Now think of one of those extremes as over-reacting to the boundary violation you’ve experienced. Let the other extreme point represent blocking your feelings or fleeing your pain. Continue watching the pendulum and notice how its movement gradually becomes less pronounced as it slowly moves back to center and becomes still again.

Like the pendulum, you can come back to center through consciously witnessing the extremes within you – the parts of you that want to react at either extreme. Accept them without judgment and remember that you are more than these agitated parts within you. You are the witness observing the pendulum’s swing. You are the consciousness that dwells deep within your being, connected with Divine love, and able to remain centered and true to yourself no matter what the world around you may demand, expect, or try to force you to accept.