Mastering Relationship Basics, Part 3: Growing Beyond Self-Absorption

"He can’t see past the nose on his face!” That’s an old expression I remember hearing a lot as a child. I wasn’t sure what it meant then. Now I know. It refers to a person who is so absorbed in himself that he can’t relate well to others. He doesn’t experience them as separate and distinct from him. And he doesn’t see them clearly.

A self-absorbed person has trouble putting himself in someone else’s shoes and imagining how things look and feel from their point of view. He forgets that people have minds of their own and aren’t content simply agreeing with or catering to him.

Small children are naturally self-absorbed. Gradually they grow into awareness of other people and their differing needs and feelings – if their caretakers teach them that the world does not revolve around them exclusively. Children learn these important lessons most powerfully from parents who respect each other and treat their little ones with respect as well. When siblings are born, when limits are set, when consequences are invoked, when personal boundaries are respected, when mom and dad mirror for them and model good listening, they learn that they are important and that other people must be taken into account as well. They experience others as separate from them and valuable, just as they are.

Sadly, many parents don’t manage to teach these lessons effectively, because they haven’t learned them yet. Their children grow up physically, but they don’t mature emotionally. When they enter romantic relationships, they have trouble committing to a partner. Once they manage to do so, their wounding and growth deficits emerge with startling clarity in what is called the power struggle stage of relating.

Power struggles happen when partners don’t feel empathy for each other. Rather than seeking to understand their differences, they try to erase them. Each wants to be right at the other’s expense. They fight over who is the good guy and who is the problem person. They blame each other for their conflicts so neither has to face her part in their difficulties. They are intent upon trying to change and control each other. When they try to talk, they end up fighting. Each reacts to what the other says. Neither listens carefully. Neither speaks respectfully. Each is absorbed in her own limited view of what she is convinced is the only correct view of the situation they share.

Breaking out of power struggles demands that partners learn how to relate to each other as considerate peers and allies rather than critical parents or frustrated children. The first steps necessary to making this transition are learning to listen and speak to each other with consciousness, love, and respect.

My previous two newsletter articles focus on how to develop these essential listening and sharing skills. Practicing them helps mates grow beyond their power struggles. As they master these basics, they become less absorbed in themselves and more able to experience genuine empathy for each other.

Now I want to tell you about two additional steps you can add to the mirroring process to help you and your partner further enhance your acceptance of each other. Each of you can learn to validate what the other says and to sense what she feels as she speaks.

After mirroring your partner’s words to ensure that you understand her correctly, you invite her to continue sharing with you until she tells you she is finished for now. You then summarize all that you have heard from her. Once she indicates that you have gotten her message accurately, you respond by validating what she has told you. You say something like, “What you say makes sense to me,” or “I can understand what you are telling me.” You also may elaborate on why and how your partner’s perspective makes sense to you.

Validating her point of view does not mean that you agree or disagree with what she says. It is simply a way of saying that you can put yourself in her shoes and see how her point of view is valid for her and makes sense from her perspective.

Each of us experiences the same situation quite differently. A reporter interviewing three witnesses to the same event would hear three distinct stories. Each person interviewed would describe what happened in her own unique way. The three accounts would have elements in common, but there also would be substantial differences. And each person would be telling the truth from his unique perspective. What is important to one may not be what caught the interest or stirred feelings in the others. Listening to all three accounts would give our reporter a more complete picture of what happened than any one person could convey by themselves.

I’m reminded of the story of a group of blindfolded monks who were led to an elephant and asked to feel what was before them. They were to describe what they perceived through touching this large unidentified object and then state what they thought they were examining. One monk was stationed in front of the elephant and was convinced that he was feeling a large hose. Another felt one of the elephant’s legs and thought it was a tree trunk. Yet another felt the elephant’s tail and assumed it was a stick of some sort. Each could make a reasonable argument about what he perceived and imagined. But none could grasp the whole picture from the small segment he could feel.

In a similar way, none of us alone is likely to grasp the full import and significance of what we see and experience. Nor are we likely to find the most elegant solutions to challenges and problems we encounter when we rely exclusively on one opinion or perspective. It behooves us to express our point of view and be heard and understood by others we trust. It also is vital that we listen to their points of view and do our best to understand how they look at the situation being considered. When we truly accept the validity of a variety of opinions and perspectives, we gain a more complete picture of the whole of the issue before us. With open minds and enhanced understanding of more than one perception, more evolved synergistic possibilities emerge that are likely to take us to higher levels of functioning.

Validating your partner’s experience tells him that you respect him and honor his perspective – that you are open to hearing what he senses about the part of the elephant he is touching. You hear him, you understand what he has said, and he makes sense to you. You are mature and secure enough to be open to how he sees things - even when he sees them quite differently than you do. You know that what he tells you is about him. It is what is true for him. It is not an attack on you, your beliefs, or your point of view. It is simply your mate revealing himself to you. You are honored that he trusts you enough to let you know what he thinks and feels.
The habit of validating your partner’s perspective helps you curb any tendencies you may have to want to react defensively to what you hear. It also assists you in learning not to take personally what he shares with you. What any person says is much more about him than it is about anyone else. There is an old saying that when I point one finger at you, three fingers are pointing back at me.

That’s because all of us project – we see denied parts of ourselves in others and then are tempted to condemn them for what we are blind to within us. Remember that - when you find yourself feeling defensive or offended while listening to your mate. What you are hearing is about him or her. There may be truth in it for you to consider as well. But the major truth is that your partner is telling you about what is within him that he doesn’t want to notice but sees magnified when he judges you.

When you mirror what he tells you and later validate what you have heard, you keep your boundaries in tact, contain any reactivity you feel, and help him hear himself more accurately so he can more fully own what he is saying and its relevance to his life. By not reacting defensively, you demonstrate the maturity and self-control you are capable of practicing. He feels better because you have heard him accurately, accepted what he said, and declined to escalate your conversation into a horn-locking power struggle. You feel better because you have proactively chosen not to be tempted into a destructive, hurtful fight.

While listening to your partner, you are not just tuned into his words and what they mean. Your feeling antennae also are out. You do your best to sense his emotional state as he speaks to you. After your validating statement, you add, “Given all that, I imagine you might be feeling ……(angry, sad, confused, excited, happy, relieved, discounted, pleased, disappointed, hurt…etc.) Feelings are described by one word. Thoughts require more than one word to convey. Your partner may nod his head to agree with the emotion you suggest. Or he may disagree and tell you what he is feeling instead.

You are expressing empathy for your mate. Not only are you listening to him, you are tuning into his emotional experience as well. At the same time, you respect that he is the expert on what he feels. If he corrects the feeling you suggest, you accept what he tells you and mirror the feeling he identifies. “So it’s not that you are feeling confused as I suggested, you are really very angry about this.”

Validating your partner and expressing empathy for what he may feel lets him know that you really care about him. You are willing to make the effort required to honor him in these ways. You are able to put yourself in his place and feel empathy for his experiences – even when they are not the same as your own.

Adding these skills to your relationship repertoire helps you mature into a more complete and interesting human being. Using them announces that you are genuinely concerned about others – and that you can set aside your reactions long enough to warmly and genuinely connect with them. You appreciate other people. You are wise enough to accept differences rather than be frightened and judgmental about them. You are a great friend and partner.

Self-absorbed people are prone to depression. They are caught up in their own pain and are afraid to get close to others. They weren’t treated with respect during their growing up years. They may have been abused, neglected, or overindulged.

As adults they are caught up in inner turmoil and in efforts to numb their pain. Rather than reaching out to others and talking about what troubles or interests them, they keep their own counsel and shut others out. Or they talk a lot with little regard for whether or not their listeners are really interested in all they have to say. Then they fail to allow room for others to respond or tell their own stories. Either way they miss out on the joy of human connection.
They also miss out on the pleasure of being really involved in the world. They have trouble finding useful ways of serving others. By not growing beyond their small self-centered worlds, they doom themselves to half-hearted living – until they decide it’s time to heal and grow.

The miracle is that you and your partner are perfectly suited to help each other evolve beyond the pain of remaining absorbed in yourselves. By mastering these first three relationship basics you can create the healing growth each of you needs.

The best remedy for childhood wounds is treating and being treated with love and respect within the context of your marriage. As you and your partner grow, the family you create together becomes one in which your children can learn lessons your parents may not have been adequately equipped to teach.