Mastering Relationship Basics, Part 2: Revealing Yourself to Your Partner

Revealing yourself to your partner is the second vital dimension of intimate connection. In order to reveal yourself, you need to know and trust yourself. You also need to trust that your mate will hear you respectfully and honor what you say with his attention and consideration. Of course the reverse is true also. Your partner will reveal himself to you if he knows he can count on your open-hearted listening and respect for what he shares.

Honoring each other with such genuine listening and sharing creates much more than just good communication. It creates communion between the two of you – a communion that transcends your physical separateness and allows you to experience that you are One in Spirit.

Conscious intentional listening and mirroring create a context within which your mate can open up to you and to himself. When he reciprocates by listening and mirroring for you, you feel safe enough to reveal your inner self to him. By hearing and reflecting your words, he helps you hear yourself better. As you hear yourself mirrored, you discover more and more about what you want to express.

When I was working toward my certification as an Imago Relationship Therapist, I was part of a training group of eight other therapists. During our sessions, each of us would be mirrored continuously for an hour or more by other group members. I made some surprising discoveries about myself during my times of being so carefully heard. Often I would start with nothing of particular importance in mind to say. Yet as I spoke and was mirrored, I felt doors of awareness opening inside me. With each inner opening, I learned more about what I truly felt, thought, and needed to express. By the time I came to the end of my turn to speak, I knew myself better. I also experienced being genuinely loved and accepted by the others in my group. This was wonderfully healing and empowering.

You and your mate can give each other similar gifts of healing and empowerment by mastering the complementary arts of open-hearted listening and genuine self-revelation. By genuine self-revelation I mean speaking to your partner about what is true for you – what you think, what you feel, what you need, what you believe, what you dream of doing, what your goals are, what your fears are, what you’ve experienced, what amuses you, what challenges you, what upsets you, what is beautiful to you, what bothers you. This is not our usual mode for sharing. It demands putting down our self-protective barriers and allowing ourselves to become truly visible to our partner.

Here are some guidelines for healthy self-revelation:

-- When you reveal yourself to your mate, you don’t hide behind walls built of attack, blame, and criticism. Attacking, blaming, and criticizing your partner are what I call the ABC’s of power struggle. They harm both speaker and listener. They change nothing. They create rage, resistance, and rebellion. They position you and your partner as competitors fighting over who is the good guy and who is the one with the problem. No one wins.

--You speak about yourself using the pronoun “I” rather than “we.” While you and your partner are a “we” in relation to the rest of the world, you are two individuals when you relate to each other. Neither of you can speak for the other without assuming that you know that what is true for you is also true for her. That’s a big assumption that is usually risky. It is all too easy to hide yourself behind speaking about “we.” When you do so, you don’t take full responsibility for what you say.

--You speak to your partner as your peer. You do not assume the role of parent, teacher, or other authority figure implying that you are your mate’s superior. Your job is not to correct, discipline, or reform him. Your agenda is to let him know you better so he can understand and love you more fully.

--You pause after two or three sentences so your mate can mirror what you have said. You realize that it is almost impossible for her to accurately reflect more than two or three sentences at a time. As you speak, you are tuned into her needs as the receiver of your words. You don’t overwhelm her with your verbiage.

--You don’t go on and on repeating the same point as if your mate is a slow learner. You are aware of your partner as you speak. You have a sense about when your partner has gotten what you say and needs a turn to respond to you.

--If you want to share something that is very important to you, you ask your partner if he is willing to listen and mirror for you for an extended period of time. You allow your mate to choose a time when he can be fully available to hear you. You respect each other’s time and energy by making an appointment for dialogue.

--You avoid hiding yourself behind the phrase, “you know.” “You know” implies that your mate is privy to your inner experience and should know what you mean without your having to make the effort required to tell her.

--You don’t attempt to manipulate your partner with your feelings or use guilt trips to get him to agree to what you want. When you share your feelings, you give him information about you. You don’t imply that he is responsible for what you feel or that he should do something to make you feel differently. You take full responsibility for your emotions. You express them so you can release them and return to emotional balance within yourself.

--You keep your sense of humor alive and well as you share. You avoid taking yourself too seriously and can laugh at yourself when humor is appropriate.

--You know you are not alone in what you experience. You realize that many others have had similar experiences in life. Many others have felt as you do. They managed to survive and so can you.

--You also know that life is a flow. What may seem overwhelming now will soon pass. Like we often say about the weather in Oklahoma, if you don’t like it, just wait a few minutes and it will change.

--You are relaxed about what you want to say. You aren’t afraid of your partner’s response to you. You trust that you can handle a less than optimal reaction from him if that should occur. You know your Spiritual resources support you even when your human companions are temporarily unable to give you their best.

--You make sure there is a balance in your sharing with your partner. You take turns speaking and listening so that neither of you consistently dominates the air waves.

--You thank your partner for listening to you with love and respect. You know that expressing gratitude and appreciation for your mate nurtures both of you and your partnership.

Letting your partner know you is a gift you give your relationship. Seeking to know and understand her is equally important to the sacred connection you share. Both demand that you open your heart and allow yourself to be vulnerable. As speaker, you take down your defenses and let yourself be emotionally naked. As listener, you contain your defensive reactions and let your mate be safe in her nakedness with you. You refrain from ridiculing her, cutting her off, or putting her down for being honest with you.

All this sounds much easier than it is to do. Both sides of the communications equation require courage, commitment, and emotional maturity. Though you will make plenty of mistakes as you practice these principles for listening and sharing, you will grow each time you succeed in making the effort. As you grow, you create a healing context for your partner. As she thrives in the love you give, she is empowered to return the same healing Spirit to you.

In your open-hearted giving and receiving, the two of you create miracles of growth for yourselves and for everyone else whose lives you touch. Your children will thrive living in the warmth of the home you share, knowing they can speak honestly and be heard respectfully too.