Mastering Relationship Basics

Basic #1: Open-hearted Listening

Chances are you think you’re a good listener. Most of us do. That assumption sticks with us until we discover – usually by participating in an exercise designed to develop listening abilities – that real listening just doesn’t come naturally. It is a demanding skill.

What I call open-hearted listening is even more than a skill. It is way of being in genuine connection with another human being.

The listening I’m talking about demands respect for the speaker as a person separate from you. Tuning into him, you let him know that his thoughts, needs, and ideas are important to you – so important that you are willing to set aside your reactions – even the urges you feel to interrupt, advise, or disagree.

Open-hearted listening is a discipline that requires full attention. You are conscious of what you hear as well as aware of your own inner responses as you listen. You notice when your mind wants to wander off to focus on your own concerns. You notice when you’re hearing only part of what the speaker is saying. You notice when you’re tuning out completely. You notice when you stop listening and start planning what you want to say when it is your turn to speak.

Over the years that I’ve taught people this vital skill, I’ve heard lots of surprised comments from both men and women who were pretty sure they already were great listeners. After attempting to carefully hear another person and then accurately repeat what she said, they discovered that this is not a simple task.

“I was so absorbed in my own thoughts that I couldn’t focus on what she was saying,” one husband reported.

“I realized I was jumping to lots of conclusions about what he was telling me. I made it about me and then I wasn’t really listening to him at all,” his wife noticed when it was her turn to listen and mirror.

“I found myself becoming very defensive. That made it hard to keep listening. I wanted to stop her – to interrupt her and tell her she was wrong about what she was saying,” another man noted.

“I felt criticized by what she was saying. So I got angry. Then I wanted to jump in so I could get my turn to be critical of her,” was another man’s comment.

I assured them that their experiences were not unusual. Learning to listen is challenging business. It forces us to grow into greater awareness of others. It teaches us to respect the boundaries that define us as separate and distinct human beings. It makes us realize that there is not just one correct and definite perspective on what happens in our lives.

There are as many honest points of view as there are honest people expressing them. No one of us has the right way of seeing and describing the experiences we share.

I often remind couples that if a reporter entered the room to interview each of us about what had transpired during our therapy session, he would hear three different stories. Though these stories would have elements in common, they would not be identical. Probably they would be quite different, and each of us would be telling the truth.

Our truth is filtered through our own unique perceptive systems. What I describe is about me and how I process what I see. What others say is about them and reveals what attracts their attention. There is not one absolutely correct way of reporting what we experience.

It is hard to listen to and honor another person when what he describes differs from our take on the same or a similar subject. Hearing an opinion that varies from our own can hook us into wanting to set the speaker straight rather than continuing to listen. If we jump in to correct him, we discount his point of view. We also imply that there is only one correct perspective and that is our own.

Listening with an open heart requires that we set our reactions aside and take ourselves off center stage. Only then can we be truly present to hear another person and honor what he tells us.

Open-hearted listening is a powerful path to emotional growth and spiritual development. Practicing it we let go of trying to control what others think and feel and do. We are open to what emerges as we allow them the space they need to express themselves fully - without our judging or criticizing them for what they reveal. We are vulnerable to being affected by their thoughts, needs, and feelings. These are not small tasks.

Listening with an open heart is a discipline much like the discipline required for daily meditation. We have to calm our minds, slow down our breathing, relax into the present moment, and stay still. In meditation we listen quietly for God to speak to us. In listening to another person, we give quiet attention too. Sometimes what we hear is a message we need to heed. Often God speaks to us through the people we know and love.

Yet we must remember that there is no need to take personally everything we hear. What a mate, a child, a parent, a friend, or a co-worker says to us is first and foremost about the one who speaks. It also may be useful input we need to consider. The challenge is in listening with discernment and an attitude of loving acceptance for both of us.

Loving you, I accept what you say with respect and sensitivity. Loving me, I hear you without letting myself be harmed by your words. I take in what I need to take to heart. I accept the rest, appreciate your honesty, and release what is not mine to carry.

We grow into the capacity to listen with an open heart by learning to mirror what we hear. Mirroring is simply repeating exactly what the person speaking tells you. It helps to ask the speaker to pause after a couple of sentences so you can reflect his words accurately. Then invite him to continue by saying something like, “Is there more?” or “Tell me more!” Let him continue to speak and be mirrored until his answer to your invitation to continue is, “That’s all for now.” Then summarize the whole message you’ve received.

This may seem cumbersome and exceedingly difficult when you first practice it. Part of you will resist. Some people refuse to make the effort. Usually those who protest vigorously have the most to gain by doing it. When mirroring doesn’t come naturally - and you don’t want to do it - you can be sure it is a growth step you need to master. The benefits to you as listener are enormous if you practice with a sincere desire to be more honoring of the people who are important to you. You grow every time you manage to contain the temptation to react to what you hear.

Obviously mirroring all the time would be a burdensome and exhausting. What’s vital is learning when it is important to mirror. The more you practice, the more astute you will become about choosing when to reflect back to a speaker what you hear her say. Gradually you will find that you know when to mirror, and you do so quite spontaneously.

When you mirror another person, you give her a healing gift. All of us need mirroring when we are children. As infants our parents probably mirrored us a lot – smiling back at us when we smiled, laughing when we laughed, imitating the sounds we first were able to make. As we got older and were more challenging to handle, they may have stopped giving us this gift of reflection. Yet we continued to need mirroring to help us feel visible and important. As adults, the child within us still craves mirroring. When we receive it – especially from our mates – we heal and grow.

By mirroring our children, we help them discover who they are. We let them know we see them and realize that they are separate from us. We give them the gift of honor and respect. They thrive – knowing they can talk honestly with us without being afraid of being overruled, discounted, lectured, or rejected.

Teenagers are thirsty for mirroring from the adults they love. They need to be heard and respected – even when you don’t agree with what they say - or are horrified by what they think they want to do. Granted it may be a huge challenge to mirror something like “I want to dye my hair purple.” But when your teenage daughter hears you calmly reflect, “So you want to dye your hair purple. Tell me more!” she may well go on to tell you about other more important issues that concern her. Chances are dying her hair purple will be less urgent by tomorrow – especially since you didn’t react like a freaked out parent intent on controlling her every choice.

From the Bible to Steven Covey we are told to seek first to understand before trying to be understood. Wisdom that’s both that ancient and that up to date is worth heeding. Try it. Practice with you mate. Experiment with it at work. Difficult situations will melt away in a moment when you give the gift of listening with your open heart. It’s the first and most basic skill for nurturing relationships that flourish.