Red Lights, Yellow Lights, Green Lights: How Do You Know When You've Found The Right Romantic Partner?

Many times I've heard people wonder aloud if they've found the "right" partner. That is an intriguing and important question. It also is a misleading one. Finding the "right" man or woman implies that your happiness depends upon someone outside yourself - an almost magical other person who is perfectly suited to you and ready, willing, and able to transport you into the blissful "happily ever after" of romantic fairy tales.

Not that there is anything wrong with the juicy joy of falling in love and relishing a delicious romance. That phase of a relationship lays an essential foundation of bonding between life partners. It helps them establish a strong enough connection to motivate them to stick together when - further down the road - the challenges of sustaining a committed relationship may confound them.

The "right" partner is not a person with whom there will be no tough times. The "right" partner is one whose personality, history, and coping styles will force you to grow and heal the wounds you suffered as a child. He or she is also a person who is willing to look inside, take responsibility for his or her own healing issues, and join you in a shared growth process that nurtures you both as individuals and strengthens your relationship as well. You want someone who is reliable, honest, and real.

Obviously, it is important to listen to both your head and your heart when you choose a partner for life. Chemistry is powerful - sometimes so potent that you may be tempted to ignore danger signals and convince yourself that you've found Mr. or Ms. Right, even when there are plenty of flashing bright lights trying to alert you to protect yourself from probable disappointment and even disaster.

Here are some warning signs to heed:

Flashing Red Lights: Is your partner

• Physically violent
• Obsessed with sex
• Addicted to alcohol or drugs
• Intensely jealous and overly possessive
• Engaged in criminal activity
• A convicted criminal

Red Lights: Is your partner

• Financially irresponsible
• Resentful of authority figures
• Dishonest

Does your partner

• Tell only part of the truth
• Not keep promises
• Lie about his or her credentials
• Make excuses for unacceptable behavior
• Practice poor personal hygiene
• Have a history of infidelity

Is your partner

• Unable to keep a job
• Intolerant of others
• Prone to telling only part of the truth
• A pathological liar

Yellow Light Warning Signs: Does your potential partner

• Expect perfection
• Pretend to be a victim of life, other people, misfortune, etc.
• Blame you or other people when things go wrong
• Refuse to make plans in advance and keep them
• Think getting help for problems is a bad idea
• Have to be right
• Refuse to listen to you and understand your point of view
• Refuse to express himself
• Deny feelings and refuse to talk about them
• Have to be in control

Is your potential partner

• Selfish and self-absorbed
• Chronically late
• Overly involved with parents or not involved at all
• Afraid to change and grow
• A negative thinker who is critical and judgmental

Green Lights: Your potential partner

• Likes children, other people, and animals
• Is positive about life, himself, and you
• Appreciates beauty and nature
• Has fun without relying on alcohol or drugs
• Has a good sense of humor and laughs easily
• Is sensitive to others - empathic - romantic
• Is physically healthy
• Is intelligent and has interests that are compatible with yours
• Is honest and trustworthy - capable of fidelity
• Is financially responsible but not obsessed with money
• Is not obsessed with sex
• Is open about himself and his history
• Is self-ex-pressive and creative
• Is a good listener and is genuinely interested in who you are
• Is able to tolerate uncertainty
• Accepts "no" when "no" is your answer
• Says "no' when "no" is appropriate
• Enjoys private time
• Respects your needs for time alone as well as time together
• Is capable of spontaneity as well as of planning ahead
• Is tuned into his feelings
• Thinks clearly and makes wise decisions

Choosing a life partner is one of the most important decisions you'll make in your lifetime. While that person won't and can't be the answer to all your needs, hurts, desires, and dreams, he or she can be your peer, your teammate, your lover, and your friend. Traveling your life journey with a trusted companion is an immense blessing. Still the person who becomes your mate doesn't hold the key to your fulfilling your life purpose, growing into the person you are meant to be, and living in peace within yourself and in your relationships. You are still you, no matter who you marry. You have your challenges to address, and he or she has theirs. If both of you grow as individuals and as loving partners, your relationship will thrive. Neither of you can do the work that belongs to and must to addressed by the other. So look for a partner who shares your commitment to becoming whole and healed of old hurts so you can be allies on your life journey, not competitors, victims, rescuers, or villians.

A New Earth - A New Book from Eckhart Tolle

If you liked The Power of Now, you'll want to read Tolle's latest book, A New Earth: Awakening To Your Life's Purpose. It is so full of wisdom that I am now reading it for the second time.

What I want to share with you today is about the healing power of accepting "what is" in the present moment. Tolle points out that all stress and distress results from resisting what is happening right now. For example, if as I am composing this blog, I am fully present and focused on this experience, I am also relaxed, open, and in a creative, pleasant mode. But if I am thinking about what else I might need to be doing or what I have to do later today, or any other possibility that might pop in my head to distract my attention from this process, I am not fully present. I am resisting what I am doing, allowing my thoughts to take me away from the present, and creating stress for myself by doing so.

You might think about activities you enjoy where you are fully absorbed in what you are doing and free of distracting mind chatter. I was talking with friends about this kind of experience today. We agreed that certain activities provide us with the kind of focus that is both relaxing and absorbing. Playing a computer game like Free Cell, working a crossword puzzle, doing a numbers puzzle, exercising, cooking, cleaning, or participating in a sport which requires concentration and full attention are examples that came to mind. When the conscious mind is totally engaged in an activity like one of these, we are free of the idle thinking through which we blindly create pain for ourselves and others.

In our culture, we all but worship the mind and the thoughts we think. Often we make no distinction between ourselves and our thoughts. Unconsciously we make our thoughts and the stories we tell ourselves the rulers of our lives.

It is a huge leap in consciousness to realize that we are not our thoughts. We also are not our emotions or our bodies. We are much more than what we think, what we feel, or the physical bodies we wear. We are spiritual beings who are able to observe our thoughts, notice our feelings, and appreciate our bodies without becoming totally identified with them. When we tune into the higher Self within us that observes our thoughts, and feelings, and bodies, we free ourselves from being their slaves. We also open the way to being fully present in the eternal Now, experiencing "what is" rather than ruminating on "what was" or "what might be."

Recently I've been noticing - without judging myself for what I see - when I feel stressed or tense. Invariably what I realize is that I am resisting what is taking place in the moment. I resist by wishing things were different, making up stories in my head about what might happen that I wouldn't like, telling myself I ought to be in some other place or engaged in some other activity, or imagining what might be going on with other people who are important to me.

Please notice that I am noticing without judging what I see. If I get into judging what I notice, I'm into another form of resisting "what is" and making myself feel bad or unworthy in the process. Judging "what is" simply creates pain and dissonance. It serves no useful purpose. The key to witnessing our inner process is doing so with non-judging awareness and with acceptance of what we see. Once we notice what we are thinking or telling ourselves, we have choices we weren't aware of before we recognized what we are doing or saying to ourselves.

Non-judging awareness of our inner processes not only give us choices, it also heals. Accepting "what is" heals. Resisting or rejecting "what is" wounds us. We've all been wounded enough. here is no need to add more pain to what we already unconsciously carry and need to release.

I invite you to join me in noticing when you are resisting being fully present in the moment that is. I also suggest that if you haven't yet discovered Eckhart Tolle's work, you do so. Start with The Power of Now. Continue with A New Earth. Both books will open wonderful doors of awareness and peace within you. There are no better antidotes for anxiety and depression than knowing how to be centered in the present, moment by moment, and day by day.

The new year has arrived after an eventful 2005 marked by monumental natural disasters as well as dedicated and generous acts of kindness, compassion, and love. It was a year that taught us that we are all are connected, not isolated beings living isolated lives where what happens in one corner of the world can be ignored in another.

This is good news. The bad news is that we have a long way to go before we learn to live and behave with that truth firmly in mind. When, as a culture and a world, we get it, much of what we've been taught and accepted as truth will crumble. Sooner or later, we will have to realize that what we do to one person or one country comes home to profoundly affect us in the end.

Fast travel, internet access, instant communication, and more information easily at hand than ever in the history of the world have transformed our reality. We use the technology, love the travel, spend hours on the internet, and enjoy it all. It's time we also wake-up and reflect on the necessity of updating the beliefs, attitudes, and platitudes we've blindly accepted that often are more suited to the days of the horse and buggy than to the world of 2006.

Here are some recommended updates for your internal mental software that you may want to consider:

"Us and them" are no longer applicable. All of us share this planet which gets relatively smaller every day.

It is no longer a question of who are the "good guys" and who are the "bad guys" or who is "right" and who is "wrong". Dualistic thinking is much too limited and simplistic for dealing with today's world. Each of us can be both good and bad, right and wrong, wonderful and terrible. We must move beyond polarized black - white thinking.

Our survival depends upon discovering the power of seeking to understand divergent points of view without labeling them as bad or good, right or wrong, politically acceptable or politically unacceptable. When we seek genuine understanding, third possibilities that are new and synergistic tend to emerge. Such synergistic possibilities take both perspectives into account and shift thinking into expanded dimensions of consciousness where we discover possibilities we wouldn't have considered previously.

In order to truly understand other people and other points of view, we must learn to listen to them with open minds and hearts. We may be sorely tempted to react to what is different from our own ways of thinking and seeing. Such differences can feel as if they threaten our survival and trigger our old brain survival modes that tell us to fight, flee, or freeze out perspectives we don't like to hear. Our challenge is to notice our knee jerk impulse to react and instead contain our reaction. Once we put the reins on our reactivity, we can engage our brains' more evolved frontal lobes and reflect on what we are hearing. Then we can respond thoughtfully to the one who is speaking. This is much harder to do than it may sound. Old habits of knee jerk reacting don't die easily.

One way to help contain reactivity is to learn to mirror what we hear before making a response. This is especially important when we feel reactive and find it difficult to hold onto ourselves.

Mirroring gives us a chance to digest more thoroughly what we have heard and to allow it to penetrate our consciousness. It also allows us to keep a healthy boundary between ourselves and the person we are hearing. By giving that person an accurate recounting of what he or she has said, we make clear that we are hearing accurately without inserting our own editing, interpreting, or modifying into the process.

In effect, we hold up a mirror that allows the person speaking to hear himself or herself more clearly. If we invite that person to continue speaking, we will learn more about what is beneath the words we have heard. Both speaker and listener will discover more of what the speaker wants to communicate. By speaking and being mirrored, the speaker also comes to more fully understand and articulate what he or she is thinking or feeling.

Mirroring another person is a great gift. As babies and children, we need mirroring to discover who we are. As adults, being mirrored is healing, relieving, and respectful. It is a gift all of us need to experience, especially from the people who are closest to us and affect us most deeply. Even with strangers, mirroring is a respectful gift that recognizes our connection with each other. By making the effort required to understand and accept what others tells us, we'll also come to more fully understand and accept ourselves. Everyone wins in the process.

Another essential dimension of effective communication in the small world of 2006 is developing the capacity to validate someone else's point of view even when we don't agree with what they say or believe. To validate another person's perspective is not to agree with them. Rather it is to put yourself in their shoes and make the effort to see how other human beings might think and feel as they do. In effect, you say to them that you respect them, that you value what they share with you, and that you are willing to make the effort required to understand what they tell you. It requires that you stretch yourself and step outside the familiar, comfortable box of your own beliefs and convictions and explore how life and the world looks to those whose belief boxes are different from your own. This assists you in realizing that no one has total access to the ultimate truths that affect us all. By opening our minds to others, we expand our capacities to embrace more facets of the larger picture that includes the whole of mankind.

Beyond validating what others tell you, there is also the vital dimension of expressing genuine empathy for what they feel. Empathy means being tuned into the emotions that are verbally expressed as well as those that may be felt and seen by the listener but not mentioned by the speaker. Feelings are described by one word like angry, sad, happy, anxious, frightened, disappointed, confused, hopeful, excited, discouraged, successful, or blessed. When you express empathy by saying something like "I imagine you might be feeling....," you are sensing and guessing. The other person is the expert on how he or she feels. If he or she disagrees with the guess you make, you accept what they say and simply mirror the different feeling or feelings they express. You say something like, "So you're not angry, you are confused and disappointed."

Listening for feelings that are verbally and silently expressed helps you more fully tune into both the person who is speaking and your own emotional state as you listen. It conveys your interest in and sensitivity to the dialogue you are sharing.

By making the effort required to listen so carefully, you recognize that you are both a distinct, unique individual as well as a participant in a world much larger than you. It helps you grow beyond simply being absorbed in yourself and your opinions into being cognizant of and genuinely interested in the connection you share with others. It conveys your respect for them and your honoring of both your common bonds and the ways each of you is different.

There is another important point to consider. By being open to caring about the needs of others you also open the way for others to be more concerned about yours. It is not that you discount yourself to please others, hoping that they will reciprocate by discounting themselves in your favor. Rather it is that you know that you count, other people count, and the context you share counts as well. Each person is responsible for himself or herself as well as responsible to others and to their shared connection with the larger whole they jointly create.

You may be wondering how careful listening, mirroring, validating what you hear, and expressing empathy for others can make a difference in the relatively small world of 2006. You are one vital part of this world. What you do affects you and all others whose lives you touch - even in casual encounters. Your commitment to mastering these skills and using them means that one more person in today's world has become much more conscious of and open to living the "I count, you count, the context we share counts" ideal. Every person who grows into practicing this vision has a multiplying effect on all the rest of humanity.

Perhaps you've heard the story of the hundreth monkey or of Rupert Sheldrake's principle of morphoic resonance. Sheldrake discovered during research and observations he made in the 1940's, that when one member of a species develops a new skill or takes a skill to a new level, the way opens for other members of the same species to master that new skill as well. Sheldrake recognized this truth through his observations of birds and their habits.

The hundreth monkey story tells about a monkey living on an island where sweet potatoes were a diet stable. One day one monkey took a sweet potato to the beach and washed the dirt and mud from it before eating it. Soon other monkeys on the island were washing their sweet potatoes too. Then one day, on a different island, a monkey native to that island washed its sweet potato for the first time. It wasn't long before others joined suit. The point of the story is that when enough monkeys adopt a new behavior, a critical mass is reached. Suddenly there is a quantum leap in consciousness that affects all other members of the species. The hundreth monkey is the one who creates that critical mass.

Each of us can contribute to creating that critical mass for mankind so that we adopt new and more evolved ways of thinking, speaking, listening, and behaving. Watch for blogs to come about speaking and behaving in ways that respect self, others, and context. In the meantime, I invite you to make conscious listening one of your goals for the 2006. It will help make yours a truly Happy New Year!