Red Lights, Yellow Lights, Green Lights: How Do You Know When You've Found The Right Romantic Partner?

Many times I've heard people wonder aloud if they've found the "right" partner. That is an intriguing and important question. It also is a misleading one. Finding the "right" man or woman implies that your happiness depends upon someone outside yourself - an almost magical other person who is perfectly suited to you and ready, willing, and able to transport you into the blissful "happily ever after" of romantic fairy tales.

Not that there is anything wrong with the juicy joy of falling in love and relishing a delicious romance. That phase of a relationship lays an essential foundation of bonding between life partners. It helps them establish a strong enough connection to motivate them to stick together when - further down the road - the challenges of sustaining a committed relationship may confound them.

The "right" partner is not a person with whom there will be no tough times. The "right" partner is one whose personality, history, and coping styles will force you to grow and heal the wounds you suffered as a child. He or she is also a person who is willing to look inside, take responsibility for his or her own healing issues, and join you in a shared growth process that nurtures you both as individuals and strengthens your relationship as well. You want someone who is reliable, honest, and real.

Obviously, it is important to listen to both your head and your heart when you choose a partner for life. Chemistry is powerful - sometimes so potent that you may be tempted to ignore danger signals and convince yourself that you've found Mr. or Ms. Right, even when there are plenty of flashing bright lights trying to alert you to protect yourself from probable disappointment and even disaster.

Here are some warning signs to heed:

Flashing Red Lights: Is your partner

• Physically violent
• Obsessed with sex
• Addicted to alcohol or drugs
• Intensely jealous and overly possessive
• Engaged in criminal activity
• A convicted criminal

Red Lights: Is your partner

• Financially irresponsible
• Resentful of authority figures
• Dishonest

Does your partner

• Tell only part of the truth
• Not keep promises
• Lie about his or her credentials
• Make excuses for unacceptable behavior
• Practice poor personal hygiene
• Have a history of infidelity

Is your partner

• Unable to keep a job
• Intolerant of others
• Prone to telling only part of the truth
• A pathological liar

Yellow Light Warning Signs: Does your potential partner

• Expect perfection
• Pretend to be a victim of life, other people, misfortune, etc.
• Blame you or other people when things go wrong
• Refuse to make plans in advance and keep them
• Think getting help for problems is a bad idea
• Have to be right
• Refuse to listen to you and understand your point of view
• Refuse to express himself
• Deny feelings and refuse to talk about them
• Have to be in control

Is your potential partner

• Selfish and self-absorbed
• Chronically late
• Overly involved with parents or not involved at all
• Afraid to change and grow
• A negative thinker who is critical and judgmental

Green Lights: Your potential partner

• Likes children, other people, and animals
• Is positive about life, himself, and you
• Appreciates beauty and nature
• Has fun without relying on alcohol or drugs
• Has a good sense of humor and laughs easily
• Is sensitive to others - empathic - romantic
• Is physically healthy
• Is intelligent and has interests that are compatible with yours
• Is honest and trustworthy - capable of fidelity
• Is financially responsible but not obsessed with money
• Is not obsessed with sex
• Is open about himself and his history
• Is self-ex-pressive and creative
• Is a good listener and is genuinely interested in who you are
• Is able to tolerate uncertainty
• Accepts "no" when "no" is your answer
• Says "no' when "no" is appropriate
• Enjoys private time
• Respects your needs for time alone as well as time together
• Is capable of spontaneity as well as of planning ahead
• Is tuned into his feelings
• Thinks clearly and makes wise decisions

Choosing a life partner is one of the most important decisions you'll make in your lifetime. While that person won't and can't be the answer to all your needs, hurts, desires, and dreams, he or she can be your peer, your teammate, your lover, and your friend. Traveling your life journey with a trusted companion is an immense blessing. Still the person who becomes your mate doesn't hold the key to your fulfilling your life purpose, growing into the person you are meant to be, and living in peace within yourself and in your relationships. You are still you, no matter who you marry. You have your challenges to address, and he or she has theirs. If both of you grow as individuals and as loving partners, your relationship will thrive. Neither of you can do the work that belongs to and must to addressed by the other. So look for a partner who shares your commitment to becoming whole and healed of old hurts so you can be allies on your life journey, not competitors, victims, rescuers, or villians.