New York City Imago Therapists

Tomorrow, I'll be speaking with the New York City Association of Imago Therapists. This is a wonderful group of professionals I've addressed several times in the past few years. My topic for this meeting is Healthy Boundaries From the Inside Out.

For many years, I've focused on the vital importance of healthy boundaries in intimate relationships. As I assist couples in my office, I teach them about boundaries and how to honor them. I also help them learn to recognize boundary violating behavior patterns and the pain and hurt they cause.

My interest in boundaries grew out of having experienced profound boundary violations during my growing-up years. My boundaries as a distinct human being with needs, feelings, thoughts, and desires of my own were not respected by my parents. They saw me as an extension of themselves - as someone given to them to mold into their idea of who and what I ought to be. Though much of what they wanted for me was good, appropriate, and ultimately important to my life ( like a fine education), much of what they insisted upon discounted me so thoroughly that I spent years learning that I have value beyond simply pleasing other people and doing what they want. I didn't learn to protect myself adequately because they did not protect me adequately. I didn't learn to say No to other people because I wasn't allowed to say No to them. I didn't learn to feel my feelings or express them honestly, because my feelings were frightening to my parents and caused trouble when I dared try to be true to myself or protest their control.

Much of my adult life has been about learning to respect my boundaries and the boundaries of others. I've discovered that teaching couples about the importance of keeping healthy boundaries is a great way to help them find relief from their relationship problems and a pathway to genuine intimacy. In 2003, my book, Loving Your Partner Without Losing Your Self, was published. In it, I write about much of what I've learned and what I teach. There are lots of exercises to help readers learn how to build and maintain healthy boundaries in all their relationships - with intimate partners, children, co-workers, family, and friends. I get great feedback about how helpful it is from people who read and use the book.

The talk I'm planning for tomorrow examines healthy boundaries from the inside out. Healthy boundaries define us as distinct individuals. They allow us to relate to others without harming or being harmed. Like a circle, they are determined by their center.

By that, I mean that our boundaries are a function of the core of our being. They radiate out from our core like a circle radiates from the point at its center. Our core, the very center of us, is Love- the connection we share with God and with all other beings.

Healthy boundaries are a function of our being centered in our Love Essence. They flow from love for and from God, ourselves, and others. They reflect acceptance and connection within ourselves for all of who we are. They also allow us to accept and connect fully and joyfully with others.

Our capacity to connect in healthy, satisfying ways with others comes from deep self-acceptance and self- connection. Accepting ourselves and being connected with our needs, feelings, and bodies allow us to feel safe and open to giving and receiving. It teaches us to see others as our peers, neither more nor less than we are.

When we have difficulty connecting with others, we are at the same time disconnected from ourselves. We deny and repress our needs and feelings. We may be trapped in our heads rather than fully inhabiting our bodies. Our Internal Saboteur barrages us with self-rejecting comments, judgments, and criticisms. We are trapped in fear of ourselves, others, the context we share and life itself. We feel like victims or act like rescuers or bad guys intent on attacking others and trying to make them more miserable than we feel.

Consciously or unconsciously, we violate the boundaries of others and allow ourselves to be violated. We function out for fear patterns. We are cut off from parts of ourselves we fear and reject. We are afraid of those same parts when they appear in others so we try to extiguish in them what we don't allow in us.

Our boundaries are distorted rather than well shaped and symmetrical because we are out of touch with our Center. Sometimes we are too flexible. Other times we may be excessively rigid. There may be holes and gaps in our boundaries where rejected aspects of ourselves ought to be.

When we are centered in Love, we don't violate the boundaries of others. Nor do we allow our boundaries to be violated. Rather than discounting ourselves and others, we operate from the principle that I count, you count, the context we share counts, life counts, and the world beyond the physical counts too.

It is a moment by moment choice to keep ourselves centered in Love. When we notice ourselves slipping into the grip of fear, we can congratulate ourselves for being aware of our process, take three deep breaths, and tune into the God / Love / Core of our Being. It helps to put one hand over the heart chakra in the center of our chest, focus on that area, and look at whatever is before us through loving rather than fearful eyes. The transformation is immediate. The relief is great.

From this centered place of Love, our boundaries are whole and healthy. We know that we are safe and OK, even when those around us maybe be still caught up in fear and temporarily out of touch with their Essence. By resisting the pull of fear and holding steady in the much more powerful energy of Love, they may feel greater calm coming over them as light and love flow out from the Center of our being. Love truly is letting go of fear, moment by moment, step by step, day by day as we transform our lives and relationships with healthy boundaries from the inside out.

Stopping Self-Sabotage

On Thursday evening, October 6, I will present a free workshop on Stopping Self-Sabotage at my new office, 11912 N. Pennsylvania, Suite D-3, in Oklahoma City. You are invited to attend and bring friends if you are interested.

For many years, I have taught my clients to recognize a part within all of us that I call the Internal Saboteur. This part carries on an inner dialogue with us when it is activated by our repressing and denying our feelings, especially anger. The Saboteur is the voice of fear. It speaks the language of self-judgment, self-rejection, self-criticism, and self-deception.

Everyone has a Saboteur part. It is most powerful when we are not aware of it or how it works. The Saboteur wants us to remain in the dark about its existence. It may be telling you right now not to read another word of this blog, that it doesn't apply to you, that it's a crazy idea, and that you should steer clear of learning anything more about this.

If this is the case, you can choose to congratulate yourself for identifying your Saboteur's voice. By doing so and by naming this voice, you take back for yourself the power and influence it is accustomed to holding over you. Identifying and naming the Saboteur are acts of power. By doing so, you affirm that you are in charge of your life, your thoughts, your self-talk, and your choices.

Of course, the Saboteur appears in many disguises. In my books, I've identified many of the masks it wears to fool you about its presence and intentions. I also have developed a process for stopping Saboteur attacks and turning them into opportunities for healing.

If you're interested in learning more about Stopping Self-Sabotage and you live in the Oklahoma City area, please plan to join me Thursday, October 6 from 7-9 for the workshop. If you're interested and you don't live here, I plan to offer teleconference seminars soon. Check www.lovetips.com for announcements of upcoming phone sessions. In the meantime, check out my books Self-Sabotage: How To Stop It and Soar to Success; and Loving Your Partner Without Losing Your Self. I also have a booklet and audio tape available that are titled Meet Your Internal Saboteur and a video titled Stop Sabotaging Success. You can order any of these resources from my web site.

Radical Forgiveness

Radical Forgiveness by Colin Tipping is one of the finest of the hundreds of books I've read over the years. The Radical Forgiveness process Tipping presents is a paradigm shift that empowers readers to move to a level of healing and release that are far beyond what traditional forgiveness allows. Best of all, he presents his radical forgiveness process in language that is clear and concise, he makes the assumptions it is based upon explicit, and he explains complex concepts with ease and grace.

I was introduced to the book by a woman in the Thursday morning Prayer Group that meets in my office each week. Several of the group members quickly bought the book, and all of us have benefitted from reading and working with it. During the past week, I have done a number of radical forgiveness processes dealing with different issues in my life. Each one has been enormously freeing and healing.

I especially like that I can go to Tippings web site, www.radicalforgiveness.com, click on the free online tools bar, sign in, and have before me a radical forgiveness worksheet that leads me through the entire process, step by step. The worksheet is set up to allow me to write all that I need to write in order to fully experience my feelings about the subject at hand. Only when these feelings are not only faced but also deeply felt can genuine forgiveness follow.

With each stage in the process, Tipping leads me into recognizing and acknowledging that in the largest, Spiritual sense, no one is bad, wrong, or guilty. Rather we are all teachers for each other, helping one another see the repetitive patterns that we allow to define and limit us. If we are willing to look closely at the people and situations that anger and hurt us, we will discover the lessons they can teach us.

Ultimately, he helps us see that "what is" is perfect, even when we cannot condone or continue to be involved with the behavior or situation that hurts us. The perfection is in the dance two souls do together. Though often painful and difficult, the challenging experiences we encounter with those who are close to us, can teach us exactly what each of us needs to learn to grow spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. The big question is whether or not we are willing to look beyond our pain (after fully experiencing it) for the lessons it has to teach .

I've known the truth of this perspective for many years. What I am so happy to discover through Tipping's work is this marvelous process that can take me so quickly and effectively through the pain to the lessons and the healing there is in recognizing and owning them. I hope you'll read his book, visit his web site, and do your own radical forgiveness processes - as many as you need - and if you're like me, that's probably quite a few. Tipping is committed to helping heal the world we share. That's an awesome undertaking, but with all of us joining his effort, we'll make miracles of healing for ourselves and the larger world we share. Clearly it needs all the help we can manage to give.

A Gentle Guide to Healing

"My life has been transformed through my healing experiences since being diagnosed with breast cancer in December, 1999. At that time, I was devastated, terrified, and shocked. This wasn't supposed to happen to me. I had worked hard to take care of my health for many years. I did all the things I thought were essential to staying healthy. Yet clearly I had missed the boat. Something was terribly wrong. I might die long before I was ready to release this life and move into the world beyond physical form."

This is an exerpt from a booklet I'm completing called A Gentle Guide for Healing. It recounts my healing experiences since that diagnosis and what I've discovered that has helped me through this major life challenge and others which followed in its wake. My goal is to offer hope, practical suggestions, and guidance for people facing life threatening illnesses. The booklet also includes a series of writings inspired during meditation by Spiritual Sources that articulate what is beyond my conscious mind's capacity to know and express.

Here is an example from An Introductory Message for You from the Realm of Spirit:

The purpose of this book is to help you overcome your fears of cancer or whatever other illness you may be facing. Illness is not a death sentence, no matter what statistics or doctors may say. Illness is an opportunity for you to come face to face with yourself, with God, with your life, your choices, and your pathway to the future.

Illness alerts you to what you have been ignoring about your physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual well being. If you are in conflict with yourself in ways that you’ve hidden from yourself, your body ultimately gives you a message you can’t ignore. Even the way your body chooses to manifest an illness is symbolic of the underlying issues you want to face now so that your healing is complete and lasting.

This doesn’t mean that you should blame yourself for being ill. It doesn’t mean that you should throw up your hands and be angry that your illness is not simply an affliction bestowed upon you by a random and uncaring universe. Neither of these is true. Illness is an opportunity for growth and healing. It is not punishment. It is not fate. It is a lesson – like a class in school that you don’t want to take but is a required course for graduation. Illness is your teacher. You are the student who must meet the requirements of the subject you are studying. This subject is you.

What are you choosing for your life? What are you frustrated and unhappy about? What do you want to do or experience that you aren’t allowing yourself to do? How do you act like a victim? Why do you give your power away? Just who is in charge of you? Is it you or other people you have defaulted to? Do you want to live? Do you consciously or unconsciously want to die to avoid facing what you have been afraid to face? What are the messages your illness is sending you? Are you listening? Are you willing to listen? Will you allow yourself to be vulnerable enough to open your mind and heart to new possibilities? Do you really think you are in control of everything? Obviously, if you were in control, you wouldn’t have allowed this illness to manifest in your life. Where did this illness come from? Who and what do you want to blame?

If this strikes a chord with you or might be helpful to someone you love, look for A Gentle Guide for Healing which will be available soon from my office or www.lovetips.com.