Requesting Your Prayers

I’m a little late writing for this month’s newsletter. It has been an eventful time. In a nutshell, I have had a set back with the “cellular challenge,” a.k.a. breast cancer. I’m confident that I will come through the new treatment regime with flying colors and great healing. I’m also confident that all the complementary approaches I embrace will make a tremendous difference as well. In addition, my work helps keep me centered, productive, and blessed with a strong sense of purpose. Praying and meditating each day are vital to my life and my healing.

Since first being diagnosed in December 1999, I have been the grateful beneficiary of lots and lots of prayer from family, friends and even people I have never met face to face. I hope you will keep me in your prayers and see me healed and whole. Prayer is truly the most powerful medicine there is.

Debbi Mygatt

Throughout the past week of scans and more scans, I’ve been amazingly calm, peaceful, and confident. I know that is because of the prayers that have been offered for me since I discovered that a recent blood test showed warning signs. On the day after I got the blood report, I attended a healing workshop in Ridgefield, Connecticut, where my daughter, Lucie, lives. Later that week, while still enjoying a visit with my Connecticut family, I had a wonderful prayer and healing session with Debbi Mygatt who heads the healing ministry at the Jesse Lee Memorial Methodist Church in Ridgefield. At my last Ron Roth’s Celebrating Life Intensive in May, one of my friends there, Doug Abbott, told me about Debbi. Since I was going to Ridgefield after the Celebrating Life experience in Chicago, I called Debbi when I arrived and was able to have a healing session with her then as well.

I’ve learned through the years that healing is sometimes instant – and I experienced that in 2003 – and sometimes it occurs over time. The keys are faith and a mind focused on healing, not fear. That isn’t always easy, given all the cultural fears about cancer that we absorb on a daily basis. Since this is breast cancer awareness month, there is no escaping the subject. While I appreciate the concern and all the efforts to find “the” cure, I doubt there will ever be one simple curative treatment that works for all the individuals that face this particular health challenge. I believe it is a mind, body, and spirit issue and that all these dimensions need to be addressed in any healing process.

I’m looking at all these factors in my life – stressors that are part of the whole picture my body is presenting. And I’m journaling, writing, and being as creative as possible with the spiritual guidance I receive. I’m also blessed with friends who are helping me in wonderfully loving ways. I do my best to take life one moment at a time and to be very attentive to acknowledging all that I feel so grateful for each day. Forgiving quickly after acknowledging my feelings is also vital. And experiencing life as directly and innocently as possible is another important aspect of healing. That means getting out of my head and living from my heart, taking a fresh look at the world and life around me without letting prior judgments and experiences color what I see.

It isn’t always easy to ask for help. Over the last nine years, I’ve learned a lot about allowing myself to do just that. Writing this article is a response to guidance I received while journaling when I was in Connecticut. I resisted for a while, but I’m doing it now. I thank you for your love and support, your prayers, and your reading this newsletter. Writing it is always a special pleasure for me and hearing from you in response to what I write is a great bonus. I will be keeping you in my heart and prayers as well.

If you or someone you know and love is facing a life challenge similar to mine, my book, The Heart of Healing: Facing Cancer and Other Life-Threatening Illnesses, might help you or them find hope. I also suggest reading The Healing Path of Prayer by Ron Roth. This is a book that came to me shortly after I was diagnosed. It helped transform my fears, gave me hope, changed my life, and led me to amazing experiences of healing. Another book I’ve been re-reading in recent days is Love Without End…Jesus Speaks by Glenda Green. It is a powerful resource that helps me tremendously. My friend, Evalie, recently loaned me a new book, Cell-Level Healing: The Bridge from Soul to Cell by Joyce Whiteley Hawkes, Ph.D. It includes specific information and suggestions for sending healing messages to all the cells in the body for cancer and a variety of other physical illnesses as well. I recommend it.

In recent weeks, we’ve seen just how destructive fear can be when it spreads like wild fire through the economies of the world. Many are recalling Franklin Roosevelt’s words, “the only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” The same wisdom applies to all of life. I’ve often thought that cancer is another word for fear. A health crisis or an economic one like we are facing today call us to grow beyond thinking that externals like money and what it can buy can bring us what our souls seek Lasting joy, fulfillment, and healing come from within and from our connection through prayer with God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit.

Don’t be fooled. There are no substitutes! No one and nothing can rob you of the strength and inner peace that come from your sacred heart through prayer and meditation. Love is always stronger than fear, and love is the core of who we are. It flows from the sacred heart within us. Love heals. Our prayers help center us in love and connect us with joy and hope. Please pray for the world, our country in this chaotic time, and for yourself and your family. Ask for the help you need, the help all of us need, the help that is always available to us from Spirit when we are bold and humble enough to request it.

With grateful thanks and blessings,

Martha

From Adversaries to Allies

Over the years I’ve found that football metaphors work well when I’m talking with couples in my office here in the land of the Sooners and Cowboys. Now that the season is upon us once again, I want to share with you some of my thoughts about the importance of teamwork in intimate relationships as well as in winning football games.

Unlike football teams, couples don’t have a coach – until they decide to hire one - and there are no effective referees on the playing field. Left on their own, they often get stuck in the power struggle stage of relationship building where they function more as adversaries than teammates. No one wins. But they keep playing until a crisis of some kind wakes them up to the need for change.

Fortunately when they first met they were great allies. They were happy when they were together, fascinated with learning about each other, and hopeful of good things to come in the future. They cooperated easily, and they loved to find dreams and goals they had in common. They built strong bonds between them, bonds that help them hang in together even when their emerging differences are painful.

Inevitably the chemistry of attraction that drew them together became less intense as their commitment deepened and they settled into building their relationship. They discovered that each of them was human, not quite as perfect as their initial idealized impression had seemed. With the realities of daily living introducing them to one another in the harsher light of day, they found that there were very real challenges to be faced.

Less hardy souls often take this opportunity to inform their partner that though they love him or her, they are not “in love” as they first thought. They move on to find another romance to enjoy while the first three to four months of chemistry last.

Reasonably mature partners realize that creating and sustaining an enduring committed relationship requires forging ahead into the challenging territory that lies beyond the initial chemistry of attraction. As their bonding deepens, they build a boundary around their relationship that defines them as a couple. The more important the relationship becomes to them, they more their fears and personal vulnerabilities come into play.

One may fear abandonment. The other may be sensitive to anything that sounds possibly rejecting. Gradually each erects defensive stances designed to protect from getting hurt by the other. One gradually may become controlling, demanding, jealous, and suspicious. The other may placate, cajole, plead, apologize, and try not to upset his or her partner. Instead of being the open, honest, safe, and comfortable pair they were early on, they now operate out of fear of losing what they have together. The irony is that their efforts to avoid getting hurt often help create the eventual hurt and loss they fear.

They shift from being great allies to treating each other as adversaries battling for control of the relationship they both want to sustain. They lose touch with parts of themselves as they try to erase their differences by adapting to or trying to change the other. Gradually they develop an enmeshed or symbiotic relationship. It is as if one of them takes the position that “We are one and I am The one,” and the other silently agrees and takes on the complementary stance that “We are one and you are The one.”

The one who is not The one feels like a victim and harbors more and more hidden rage and resentment. The one who is The one loses respect for the partner who adapts to his or her demands and denouncements. They don’t know how to talk about their needs, feelings, and frustrations without ending up in a huge fight that creates more pain and hurt. Instead they battle one another trying to hold together a relationship they value with a partner they devalue and mistrust.

It’s bedlam – Cowboys vs. Sooners – in the battle for dominance in the annual Oklahoma football wars. In football there are teams working together to win the game. In marriage and intimate partnership it is one person against another in a war they may wage for years. Unfortunately if they have children, they may create informal alliances with one or more of their kids against their mate. Dad and daughter or son may stand together against mom and son or daughter. The ongoing competition and fighting are devastating to everyone as they struggle to make the relationship fit their separate ideas of how it ought to be.

Each partner is convinced that it is the other who needs to change. In their frustrated and fearful state of mind, it seems reasonable to try to “remodel” the other rather than consider changing themselves. Attack, blame, and criticism – what I call the ABC’s of power struggle – abound.

They compete with one another. Which one is the good guy and which is the bad guy? Who is right and who is wrong? Who is to blame and who is innocent? Who will call the shots and who will adapt to the other’s demands? One assumes the role of authority and tells the other how he or she ought to do things, think, believe, or act. The other silently resents being treated like a child and manages to rebel and resist, sometimes in active and other times in more passive, hidden ways.

Unhappiness builds and festers. Addictive behaviors emerge or escalate as each tries to cope with the tension in their relationship. They may become more actively abusive with one another, resorting to name calling, bullying, even pushing, hitting, slapping, or otherwise attacking. If they have children, the kids’ behavior reflects the pain they experience at home. They may have difficulties at school and problems getting along with friends. Some will act out and become more and more defiant. Others may resort to being overly adaptive and too good. Physical illnesses may strike. Siblings may seem to fight constantly. They may become addicted to computer games or food.

The whole family system is crying for help. War between mom and dad doesn’t work. No one wins. Everyone loses. This isn’t a game. This is life and help is badly needed. Unfortunately it often takes a major crisis to wake the couple up to the need for change and help.

That wake-up call may come when one partner demands a divorce. Or an affair may be discovered or confessed. Sometimes it is a “mid-life crisis” in one partner that sends the other for help. Addictive behaviors may become so extreme that they can no longer be tolerated. Unresolved grief over the loss of a job, home, or family members may be acted out unconsciously by one person wanting to leave the marriage to avoid possible future vulnerability to loss and pain. Or a child may have problems severe enough that they can no longer be ignored.

In response to the wake-up call, couples may decide to get help to heal their relationship. Or they may choose to end it through divorce. Sadly some endure in their unhappy situation rather than risk making necessary changes. Eventually they may seek help for one of their children rather than also acknowledging their need for help for themselves and their relationship. It may take prodding from the child’s school, a referral from his or her pediatrician, or a mandate from the legal system to force them to take this step. Hopefully the therapist they find suggests that working with the parents is important in helping the child and the whole family.

Once a coach / healer / helper is found and hired, the job of transforming an adversarial relationship system into a well functioning family team can begin. I often tell my clients I am like the coach on the sidelines at a football game. My job is to help them see patterns in their interactions that help or hinder their relationship. I also introduce them to new ways to play the game based on team work, mutual trust and respect, and excellent, effective communication. In addition we look for old emotional wounds that need healing and discover how to release buried pain and apply the soothing salve of forgiveness and letting go.

As a couples’ therapist, I’m not just the coach. I’m also the referee, making sure both partners play by the rules of mutual regard and respect as they interact in my office. During their sessions, I have them practice new ways of communicating and interacting that help them move beyond their old adversarial patterns of relating into becoming genuine allies, peers, and teammates for life.

I point out to them that the patterns in their relationship simply are. They make sense given the family context each of them experienced growing up. There is nothing to criticize or judge, but there is lots to learn that will help. Couples are empowered by being able to see patterns in their interactions rather than remaining blind to them. Seeing a pattern gives them a choice they didn’t have previously. They can continue in that pattern or shift out of it. Remaining blind to a pattern keeps them at its mercy.

There are loving patterns to notice – when they appreciate and affirm one another and are supportive, thoughtful, kind, and forgiving with their words and behavior. There also are plenty of fearful patterns to learn to recognize. One example is blaming the other person for what one is blind to in himself. Another is reacting defensively and attacking one’s partner rather than hearing that person out and being open to his or her point of view, even when it is different from one’s own.

There also are times when one or both partners are triggered by present time events into unconsciously reliving scary experiences from childhood. When this happens, they go into an entranced state of mind and react automatically as they did when they were children or as their frightening parents behaved with them. This mystifies their partner who knows something is wrong but doesn’t know how to respond to or stop the drama.

There also are communication patterns to attend to and correct. A football team huddles before each play. Every player has to be know what is about to happen. Otherwise there would be chaos on the field. Couples also need to huddle regularly and keep each other informed about activities, concerns, goals, and emotional issues. I teach all the couples I work with to use Safe Dialogue when they talk about challenging topics. I’ve written about and described Safe Dialogue in previous articles as well as in my book, Loving Your Partner Without Losing Your Self. Safe Dialogue is a powerful process that teaches new skills and brings deep healing to both partners as they experience being heard accurately, mirrored, validated, and empathized with by their mate. It also teaches couples to express their needs, feelings, concerns, and desires respectfully and honestly without attacking or blaming the other.

While we are working to establish new habits of relating as allies rather than adversaries, I also am helping both partners recognize that their relationship struggles with one another reflect their inner unrest and battling within themselves. What I reject in you mirrors what I also reject in myself. For example, if I think anger is a terrible thing because that’s what I was taught in my family of origin, I will be frightened of your anger and try to get you to hide it as I hide mine. The lesson for me is to learn to recognize and accept my angry feelings and handle them in healthy ways. Your lesson may be to learn to acknowledge and contain your anger more effectively while also being open to the vulnerable feelings that often lie beneath anger in a person who tends to be volatile and easily over aroused.

Both of us need to become more whole by learning to accept all the parts of us – even the shadow parts we were taught were unacceptable. We have trouble seeing those shadow parts in ourselves but we have X-ray vision for them when they show up in others, especially a mate. As we learn to accept the humanness of our partner, we also are learning to accept our own lack of perfection. And as we accept ourselves, even those parts we once thought were shameful, we also are more able to accept and understand our partner. We are becoming more whole and complete and more at peace within ourselves. Our growing inner peace and self-acceptance are reflected by growing peace and acceptance of our partner.

Becoming allies in partnership is about being the love that we are and knowing others as the love that they are as well. It is about calling upon the wisdom of the heart and knowing the mind and intellect as servants of the heart – not its master. Allies consciously choose cooperation over competition. They are committed to being honest – sharing their needs, feelings, goals, desires, and concerns and owning them as their own, not as a deficit in their partner. They listen with open hearts to one another, seeking to understand and accept their differences while being open to synergistic possibilities that often emerge from being open to varying points of view.

Allies forgive readily and let go of past hurts. They take responsibility routinely. They do not expect perfection. Instead they laugh at their mistakes and learn from them. They honor the power of healthy, respectful humor and they are committed to having fun together, being romantic, and spending ample time together to nurture their relationship. They stand by one another during tough times and are firm with one another when they need to be. They also teach their children to be team players and are aware of the power of the words they speak and the examples they set in their family. They honor themselves, their partners and children, and their Spiritual Source, remembering always the great commandment: love God and love your neighbor as yourself.

Challenges of Change

Your life is not like it used to be. You’ve been through a change – a profound shift you didn’t expect but had to embrace. There is much to grieve as you face your losses even as there is much to celebrate as you feel gratitude for what is emerging through the transformative process you’re experiencing.

Major changes – whatever they happen to be - present great challenges. We tell ourselves that we know life is about constantly shifting circumstances and experiences. One moment leads to the next. We must let go and move along with the flow of life.

Sometimes that isn’t quite as easy as it may sound. We feel comforted, safe, and in control when we have stable conditions that we are accustomed to handling. All too often we waste precious energy trying to avoid change because we fear the emotional pain we will experience when we let go of what once was and face what now is that must be accepted and embraced.

As a psychotherapist, I’ve seen people keep themselves in miserable relationships, jobs, and situations because they are settled into a life style that though unhappy is at least familiar and accustomed. They are afraid to look honestly at their changing needs, feelings, desires, and dreams lest they discover that they are cheating themselves in profoundly disturbing ways.

Their motto seems to be, “Better to hang in and endure than risk upsetting the status quo.” Meanwhile they tell themselves they are doing this for the good of others. They ignore the costs to themselves and to those they “sacrifice themselves for.” Their unhappiness slips out in hurtful ways when frustrations overwhelm them and they behave in mean and discounting ways toward the people they think they are helping.

And I’ve noticed myself, attached to the ruts I’m in and resistant to changing them for fear I’ll be hurt in some way if I dare follow my heart and do what seems risky and new. All these patterns are variations on the theme of trying to control life by insuring against possible vulnerability. We imagine that if we’re just smart enough and careful enough we can avoid the mistakes, hurts and losses that are simply part of the fabric of life.

We act like the tail that thinks it wags the dog. There is something much greater going on than our small conscious minds can conceive. We are guided and directed by our Souls and the Holy Spirit. Our challenge is to let go, surrender our illusions of control, and tune into the gentle promptings and cues we receive from sources much wiser and informed than our small earth bound minds can perceive.

One incredibly helpful discipline that assists in letting go of control, being present in the present, and flowing with the vicissitudes of life is accepting “what is” rather than resisting whatever it is that we encounter. Last fall a good friend who went with me to a first chemotherapy treatment session brought me a book to read called A Thousand Names for Joy by Byron Katie. The theme of the book is to stop resisting what you encounter in life. Instead embrace it as perfect for the moment you are in, perfect in some way you may not and don’t need to understand, just right for you despite appearing to be something you don’t want or don’t like.

I read that book slowly and carefully. I practiced noticing when I felt myself tightening up and resisting whatever was happening in the present. I let go and let whatever was happening be just right for me in that moment. And I found that I even enjoyed and relaxed through those weekly treatment sessions. I felt better and better, less and less stressed. My work times became effortless. What peace and pleasure to surrender and allow rather than fight against and resist!

Fighting against and resisting can be as subtle as wishing things were different, not liking standing in line, longing for the good ole days, wishing you were somewhere other than where you happen to be or with someone other than your current companion. It can be as big as knowing you need to make a big change and telling yourself that would be impossible or would anger other people or disappoint someone else, or be too big a risk for you to take. It can be as insidious as being critical of your mate and trying to get him to change rather than accepting him as he is and loving him even if he isn’t exactly the way you think he ought to be.

Like a mountain stream, life is constantly moving. Now is not the now that was when I started writing this article. Your now when you read these words will be different still. Each moment is unique, not to be recaptured but precious in its own time and space. Living fully is being open to that now - whatever and however it is. Loving is accepting you in each moment and accepting others in their moment just as you are in yours. Healing flows from accepting what is with me and with you. Faith flows from experiencing the perfection of it all whether or not we can see or fathom how that perfection can be.

Change stirs powerful feelings – the grief and sadness of loss, the excitement of new beginnings and new possibilities, the anger of no longer having what we thought we had to have, the courage to do the hard work required to get out of our ruts and on with what comes next in our lives, the shame we may feel if we tell ourselves we should have done things differently or guilt ourselves for our mistakes. To flow through life changes with grace and fluidity we have to allow and embrace those feelings whatever they happen to be. Expressing and acknowledging our emotions frees us from the hold of the past and releases our energy so we can move on and be fully at home in the present.

If we block, deny, and hold onto those emotions, we cripple ourselves in myriad ways and keep ourselves stuck in the past. We may get physically ill, have unexplained aches, pains, stomach troubles, headaches, depression, anxiety, overwhelmed feelings, and mental, emotional and spiritual shutdown. By denying our feelings we fight against the flow of the river of life. Like fish trying to swim upstream, we get battered, bruised, and exhausted in the process.

Often we don’t realize how programmed we are in this culture to avoid what we feel. Instead we go to our heads. We over-think. We obsess about details that aren’t all that important. We go numb. We go to sleep. We isolate ourselves with work, alcohol, drugs, computers, and other handy addictions.

Our early training is like a huge undertow that pulls us down and away from riding the waves of life – the ups and downs of feelings we encounter everyday. I still have to remind myself to check in with my feelings – to consciously ask myself what I’ve tried to avoid by staying busy and keeping myself distracted from the emotional dimension of my life.

Grieving, crying, writing about our pain, pounding anger out with a punching bag or on a pillow, having a friend listen, mirror, and validate our feelings are all wonderful ways of letting go and freeing ourselves to move on with life. Despite what we’ve been taught, feelings are nothing to fear. They are our friends and allies in clearing away what is finished in our lives so we can move into what is offered us now. (For more on Emotional Digestion read the May 2008 article.)

Every emotional release we allow enlivens us, frees our energy, inspires us to explore new the dimensions of possibility we can see when our vision isn’t clouded by the fog of clinging to what is past. Don’t just hide your feelings and put the past behind you as we are often told to do. Instead experience it fully – then you really can let it go. Done is done. Now is now. Embrace it. Look forward to the surprises tomorrow may bring. Feel what you feel. Open your heart to life! Embrace the changes you long to make.

Blossoming Roses

I lost a wonderful friend recently. She died rather suddenly though she had been ill and not diagnosed until recently. She was the kind of friend who showed her love through actions more than words. She knew what was needed and she gave herself to meet those needs.

Last fall when I started a new round of chemotherapy she was at my house waiting to welcome me home every Friday after my treatments. She would have walked my dogs, Maggie and Summer, so they would be chilled out when I got back. After settling me in, she read her latest novel on the sofa with Summer lying with her head in her lap and her tummy being scratched and Maggie asleep right at her feet. She stayed until she was sure I was OK and comfortable. I felt so cared for and loved – and safe. She was here for me, and I was grateful and blessed. Now she has died of the illness she helped me through. Who could have known or guessed that this would happen?

It is a perfect example of what I often say to my clients. We live in the face of life, not knowing what the next page or the next chapter will present. None of us knows what tomorrow will be. Life is a mystery we create with everyday we are privileged to live. It behooves us to be loving, generous, and grateful for all the opportunities we have to let others know how much we value and respect them. It also helps to be conscious of the gifts each day offers. Moment by moment the river of life flows on through changing territory that sometimes surprises us with joys and sorrows we couldn’t have anticipated, planned, or prevented.

Friday when I came home from treatment, her car wasn’t in my driveway. She wasn’t here. Maggie and Summer weren’t drunk with the love and attention she showered on them. We carried on, and we are grieving for what was so precious and no longer is. Life has changed, and change is a big challenge. All too often we waste precious energy trying to avoid it, because we fear the emotional pain we will experience when we let go of what once was and face what now is that must be accepted and embraced.

So I’ve cried a lot... I’ve been angry too. I’m also relieved to know my friend is no longer in pain as she was. I’ve felt her presence. Before I got the phone call telling me she had died, I awoke feeling wonderful – feeling whole and healthy and totally blessed. A picture came into my mind. I saw a vase of fully blossomed roses that were a lovely salmon pink color. I was grateful for the beautiful image.

A few minutes later I was meditating when I heard the phone ring. I chose not to interrupt the process I was in and take the call at that moment. I wondered if it might be my daughter calling from Europe where she and her family have been vacationing. Then I knew. My friend had died in the night. It was 7:00 AM, and I was being notified.

So I wasn’t surprised when I heard the message and then returned the call. When I got off the phone, I suddenly felt exhausted – a stark contrast to my feelings less than an hour before. I knew I needed to cry. So I finished making the bed and sat down to pet my dogs she loved. That started my tears flowing. I surrendered to them as I’ve learned to do. I let them flow. I didn’t hold back. I felt better. My energy came back. It was no longer being consumed by the effort required to keep those tears of pain and loss at bay. A little while later I realized that the roses I had seen in that spontaneous awakening image were the color of the bouquet of rosebuds I had taken to my friend soon after she went to the hospital. I believe that image was her way of letting me know she had crossed over to the world of spirit – now fully blossomed into new life.

I recalled a quote I’ve referred to often in the past two weeks. I encountered it in the first chapter of an amazing book titled Broken Open: How Difficult Times Can Help Us Grow. The author is Elizabeth Lesser whose writing is wonderful artistry and a healing gift to read. She tells of finding this quote on a painting of a rose that was shown to her in a rug shop in Jerusalem when she was visiting there during a difficult period early in her adult life.

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.--Anais Nin

My friend has blossomed. She left the material world. Her body was worn out, and she let it go. I miss her, and I know she is still close by. She is giving me gifts in her dying as she gave me great gifts in her living. I thank her, and I thank God for her. Her dying challenges me to blossom ever more fully in the life I am blessed to continue living.

Her name was Susan Courtney Fowler. She loved people, children, and animals. She was a teacher and a coach. She was shy. She was private. She changed lives with her love, her wisdom, her persistence, her patience, and her presence. She lived well. She remains alive in the hearts of all of us who knew and loved her.

Gloria in Excelsis Deo!

Two Parents + a Good Marriage = Children Who Thrive

During this Mother’s and Father’s Day season, I want to share some reflections on the importance both parents play in raising healthy children who thrive. Mom’s and dad’s marriage is like a garden they nurture over the years as they deepen their love and commitment to each other. In this well tended garden, their children bloom like the beautiful unique flowers each of them is born to be. It takes two parents and a good marriage for children to thrive. Both moms and dads are essential to their children’s well being. The strength of their marriage is the foundation of their kids’ world. When they relate lovingly with one another, their fulfillment nourishes and energizes them to meet their children’s needs and allow their little ones the space they need to develop into the people they are meant to be. If their marriage is troubled their children move into the void between them and become surrogate mates as well as the objects of too many of their battles. Then those little ones – overwhelmed and overstimulated by the emotional pain that surrounds them – act out their parents’ anger and hurt by misbehaving or being too good and perfect to be real, healthy kids. An acting-out child calls attention to the pain in his family and focuses his parents’ attention on dealing with his behavior. By becoming their common problem, he gives them a reason to unite -- to cope with him. He is the target of their concern, their anger, frustration, and hurt which he expresses while they pretend there is nothing amiss in their marriage. A too good child also is in pain. Her more socially acceptable strategy for coping helps mom and dad sustain the illusion that all is well with them. She carries their troubles inside her while pushing herself to achieve, perform, and shine – doing her child’s best to bring happiness to her troubled parents by helping disguise their pain. What needs to happen to keep children from being in these too hurtful places? Here are some guidelines to help you assess both strengths and challenge areas in your parenting equation: 1. Ideally Mom and Dad respect each other as individuals who also are marriage partners. They grow beyond the emotional fusion of their initial fascination with one another into full differentiation as whole people able to connect deeply, share openly and appropriately (without fearing the other’s reaction), play joyfully, and tolerate sustained periods of pleasure in each other’s presence. (One way to accomplish this is through learning to practice the Safe Dialogue Process described in my book, Loving Your Partner Without Losing Your Self which is available through my website, www.MarthaBeveridge.com.) 2. Mom and Dad appreciate the unique gifts each brings to their parenting responsibilities. Mom is her child’s safe haven. She provides the womb space he needs for comfort, unconditional love, understanding, and support. She loves him and is there for him no matter what. Once he is conceived, she has no choice but to fully accept him, growing as he does out of her very being. Her job is to love without reservations and gradually to release him – from the painful first letting go of his physical birth to the gradual releasing of his psychological birthing into the larger world beyond his family. She assists him in leaving home step by step – from preschool to kindergarten, grade school, high school, college, and eventually marriage and a family of his own. Balancing love and limits with forgiveness, grief, and release is mother's great nurturing privilege and responsibility. 3. Where there is little choice about a mother’s relationship with her child, Dad decides to be present to fulfill his role. Because he chooses to relate to his child, he also teaches her how to relate to others - her friends and teachers. He helps her discover that in the larger world there are people who won’t, like her mom, love her and make allowances for her, no matter what. Dad imparts socialization skills and instructs her about the realities of the world beyond their home. He models and teaches responsibility, accountability, love, warmth, and reliability. 4. Dad and Mom set limits and invoke consequences, allowing their children to express and live through their angry, disappointed feelings when they don’t get what they want. Together Mom and Dad stand firm, accepting their children’s feelings without being manipulated by them, giving in to them, or overreacting to them out of fear. They are consistent in teaching their children to experience the consequences of their choices. 5. If they have trouble handling limits and emotions, they seek help as a couple to heal their childhood wounds around these issues and to learn to practice the skills they need so they don’t re-enact their parents’ hurtful ways of relating to feelings and discipline. (Thomas Phelan’s book, 1,2,3 Magic is an excellent resource for parents who need help with effective, loving discipline.) 6. Both Mom and Dad recognize that raising children challenges them to deal with their childhood history. When they have a child who is the age they were when a trauma occurred, they are reminded of their feelings about big changes or painful losses like divorces, deaths, and illnesses as well as hurtful behavior from others. Relating to their child stirs up their suppressed grief, stresses their marriage, and disrupts their parenting. If they are conscious of what is happening within them, they can claim a valuable opportunity to heal their childhood wounds. If not, they may re-enact what they experienced, behaving as their parents did and wounding their children as they were wounded. 7. Mom and Dad recognize that one parent cannot do it all alone. They honor their commitment to each other and to their responsibilities as parents. If their marriage is in trouble, they get help and work together to grow through their difficulties. They realize that changing partners – attractive as it may seem – does not solve their individual growth challenges but merely delays their addressing them. They also accept that one partner alone is not and cannot be totally to blame for what ails their marriage. 8. If ultimately they decide to divorce, they continue to work to improve their communication and their relationship with each other so their children have the best chance possible to continue to relate to both of them. They do not disparage each other in their children’s presence. If they remarry, they teach their children that it is OK to love both their birth parents and their step-parents. They encourage step-parents to be full partners in parenting. 9. Mom and Dad remain clear that their relationship is paramount. They nurture and sustain their marriage year by year so when their children leave home, mom and dad are ready to enjoy being a couple once more. 10. They help their children grow-up and learn to be responsible for themselves so they are ready to leave home when they finish their schooling and move into the working world. They give their children chores, responsibilities, and allowances to help them learn to manage their time, money, and school work. They let go and don’t remind their kids of what they need to do on their own initiative. They allow their children to experience the consequences of the choices they make. They don’t rescue them from those consequences even though they don’t enjoy seeing their kids lose privileges or allowance funds when they don’t make responsible choices. Because as parents they are healthy individuals and marriage partners, they don’t try to cling to their children and keep them dependent upon them to avoid the grief of an eventual empty nest. Successful parents are also good parents for themselves. They nurture themselves so they have the energy and resources they need to parent their children as well. They are aware that they are the most powerful life models their children have. They teach them about life, what they can expect from others, what they should tolerate and not tolerate from themselves and others, what their values are, what fun and joy are, and what to expect from life. Especially in the first six years of a child’s life, successful parents realize they are programming his or her mind – installing the soft ware that will run unconsciously for the rest of the child’s life - until and unless he or she works diligently to delete that soft ware and install new programs that are more functional. It’s an awesome responsibility and privilege parents hold. The rewards are among the greatest life offers us. It isn’t easy. This eighteen plus year journey takes us through difficult territory. As parents we are challenged in all the ways we most need to grow. Not only are we powerful teachers for our children but they also are amazing teachers for us. They know exactly where our buttons are. They don’t mind pushing them. They mirror the best and the most difficult within us. We love and accept them with all our hearts. They call us to love and accept ourselves unconditionally as well.

Emotional Digestion

We know the importance of fully digesting the food we eat. The moment anything interferes with that vital process, we feel physical discomfort that tells us something is wrong. And we seek relief.

Fully digesting our feelings is equally crucial to our well being. Denying or burying feelings creates the unpleasant experience that I call emotional indigestion.

The symptoms associated with physical indigestion are unmistakable. There are clear signals that alert us to emotional indigestion as well. Unfortunately we may not recognize those signals or know how to treat them.

Perhaps you’ve experienced typical distresses like these. You’re out of sorts and tell yourself that you’re having a bad day. You may feel down, depressed, or anxious. Or you may be touchy, unusually irritable, and short of patience. Many people suddenly are tired – sometimes so exhausted that they can barely function. Others sleep, drink too much, smoke compulsively, overeat, gamble, get sick, use drugs, or feel desperate for sex. Picking a fight with a mate or child is commonplace. Battling over inconsequential issues lets off steam but doesn’t address the real source of the pain that lies beneath aggressive behavior.

All these signals remind us that denied feelings don’t go away even though we may do our best to block or hide them. Instead of choosing to acknowledge and validate our feelings, then express them directly and appropriately when this is necessary and advisable, we unconsciously act them out in ways that hurt us, harm other people, and damage our relationships. We suffer from emotional indigestion that upsets us and is contagious to others as well.

Fortunately there is a cure for what ails us. Relief comes quickly when we make friends with our feelings and learn to digest them effectively. I suggest a six-phase process that heals emotional indigestion as surely as Pepto-Bismol relieves physical digestive difficulties.

The first phase of this process involves noticing and naming what you feel. Feelings are described by a single word like angry, sad, scared, joyful, or successful. You can ask yourself, “Am I feeling ashamed, guilty, apathetic, frightened, wishful, angry, proud, brave, neutral, accepting, successful, loving, joyful, or even blissful? As you identify your feelings, you may uncover layers of different emotions that unfold as you embrace them. Look beneath anger for sadness and hurt, fears and regrets as well as what you appreciate about the person or situation you are addressing.

The second phase of the digestive process overlaps the first. As you notice and name what you feel, you breathe deeply, inhaling and exhaling fully. This allows your breath to support you as you feel what you feel. Deep breathing calms you and helps your feelings move through you so you can assimilate and release them. Be aware of the tendency many people have to hold their breath in order not to feel emotions they are afraid to experience. Holding or short circuiting your breath contributes to emotional indigestion. Breathing fully and freely helps heal it.

Phase three overlaps phases one and two. As you notice and name your feelings while breathing deeply to support yourself in that process, remember to be respectful of your emotions. You have the right to feel what you feel. There is no need to justify your feelings. They simply are what they are. Validate your feelings by reminding yourself that whatever you feel is understandable, acceptable, and quite natural.

The fourth phase flows from the first three. It is taking full responsibility for what you feel. Your feelings belong to you, not to someone else. No one else makes you feel what you feel. Nor do you have to be the victim of your emotions. You are making friends with your feelings so they serve you rather than frighten or defeat you. [i]

The fifth phase is choosing how you will express your feelings. You may want to talk or even shout them out when you are alone and can say whatever you want to say without being concerned about harming someone else. You might choose to write about what you feel in your journal or in a letter that you may or may not send to someone else. Once you express your emotions privately, you then can decide if and when you want to talk with other people about how you feel. Telling someone you trust about your feelings is helpful. Ask that person to listen and mirror what you say. Honestly confessing your feelings is like chewing what you eat. It allows you to fully digest what you feel.

Another great way to digest your feelings is by using a process called the Emotional Freedom Technique. This involves using the index and middle fingers of one hand to gently tap various acupressure points on your body while making a statement related to the feelings you are facing. Formulate a statement like, “Even though I feel angry and confused, I deeply love and accept myself.” Or “Even though I am sad and lonely right now, I know I am safe and OK.”

Once you have your descriptive statement, tap continuously on what is called the karate chop point – about two inches below where your little finger joins your hand and on the outside edge of your hand - while saying your statement aloud three times. Then use a shorter phrase to remind you of the subject of your tapping as you continue your treatment. While saying aloud, “feeling angry and confused” or “feeling sad and lonely” as your reminder, tap about seven times on each of these points in sequence: the inside edge of your eyebrow; the bone you feel outside and beside your eye, the bone you feel beneath your eye, the middle of the area between your nose and your lip; the middle of the area between the bottom of your lip and your chin; a soft spot about two inches beneath your collar bone and just away from the center of your body; a spot under your arm about where the middle of a bra strap would be; and back again to the karate chop point where you started. Then circle your wrist with your other hand and say, “peace.”

If necessary, repeat the process, modifying your statement by saying, “Even though I still feel angry and confused, I deeply love and accept myself.” Or, “Even though I still feel sad and lonely, I know I am safe and OK.” Then use a reminder phrase like “remaining anger and confusion” or “remaining sadness and loneliness” while tapping the points described above.

For a full description of the basic recipe for using EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique), go to www.emotionalfreedomtechnique.com. Sometimes it is necessary to tap for layers of emotion that link back into painful experiences from the past. There are also shortcuts and more extended versions of tapping that may be useful to you.

The object of all these processes is ultimately to let go of your feelings once you have acknowledged, validated, and digested them. You don’t need to hang onto your feelings to punish yourself or anyone else. You do need to allow your emotions to teach you the important life lessons that are inherent in your experiences. Doing so, you free yourself to move on to whatever is your next in your life.

As you practice the emotional digestion process, you will encounter two categories of feelings. The first includes feelings that arise spontaneously in response to life events that profoundly affect you and are beyond your personal control. The events of September 11 are an example of this kind of emotional challenge. Other examples include major life changes, losses, illnesses, and other people’s behavior. Feelings also arise spontaneously when we have major accomplishments, joys, and successes. All these experiences stir deep spontaneous feelings within us – some painful and some pleasurable.

The second category of feelings includes emotions that arise within us in response to how we think about and interpret what we experience. We create these feelings through the thoughts we think and the meanings we make of what happens in our lives. When we tell ourselves frightening, negative, judgmental, shaming, and anxiety producing stories about what happens to us, we feel scared, depressed, anxious, and guilty. When we acknowledge our anger and sadness about events that are beyond our control while also telling ourselves that we’ll cope, we’ll survive, we’ll find a way to deal with what we have to face, and that eventually we’ll find the gifts hidden deep within even the most awful circumstances, we soothe ourselves. In response to such healing messages and interpretations, we feel hope, confidence, inner peace, and genuine power.

Again September 11 provides instructive examples. In the immediate aftermath of the attacks, there was a great deal on television and radio that simply addressed what was happening and the terrible shock and grief the whole world shared. As days passed, the coverage shifted to more and more analysis of what happened and coverage of the war that ensued. Much of that was useful and helpful in coping with the readjustment of our thinking that all of us faced. At the same time there was a decided focus on the most negative, frightening aspects of the experience at hand with much less attention focused on the miracles of love and healing that also happened that day. Certainly the heroism of the rescue workers was applauded, patriotism was ignited, generosity was triggered, and pride was felt as we coped with our devastation. But we didn’t hear much about how many people escaped from the buildings, how many happened to be delayed or prevented from being there on the day the terrorists struck, the spiritual awakenings that occurred as a result of that awful day, or the renaissance of spirit that might emerge in New York and Washington as it did in Oklahoma City after April 19.

All of us have strong feelings about the terrible events we’ve witnessed in recent years. We grieve. We are shocked and afraid. We hurt. We are angry. We are proud of our country and our heritage. We celebrate the courage of those who rescue, those who cope, and those who fight and defend. These are our pure emotional responses to the shock of events we did not anticipate and could not control or escape.

We also must be concerned about the second category of feelings we have about these events. How we decide to think about and interpret those terrible experiences also determines our emotional state. Certainly we must be aware of how much we choose to allow the news media to control our minds and determine our feelings. We can make conscious choices to think in encouraging, healing ways that help us soothe our anxieties while also taking into account the seriousness of the current world situation.

On a smaller scale we face similar challenges every day in our personal lives. How we choose to frame and think about those challenges determines much of how we feel, the energy we have to cope, and the joy we can feel just being alive. The power of our interpretations can’t be over estimated. We make up stories about what things mean, we believe our stories, and then we behave as if they were true. Our own internal newscasts broadcast continuously in our heads and may be just as negative and scary as what we get on the TV at 6:00 and 10:00 PM.

The good news is that we can make conscious choices to monitor what we tell ourselves and change fearful stories to ones that inspire, encourage, and uplift. Our feelings in response to new, loving interpretations will be pleasant ones that support us, enliven us, and energize us for happier loving and living.

If you encounter feelings that just won't clear, look more deeply within yourself. Ask yourself when you felt similar feelings at earlier times in your life. Trace these feelings back through the years being sure to include your adolescent and childhood experiences. You'll find that today's upsets often tap into reservoirs of buried feelings from the past. What you feel now invites you to uncover, face, acknowledge, validate, express appropriately and ultimately release long buried hurt, anger, and grief from your history. Each time you clear old previously denied feelings, you free yourself to enjoy life more fully and be more whole, healthy, and true to yourself today.

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[i] You may find my booklet, Make Friends With Your Feelings, a useful resource. It is available through my office, 1-800-345-8477, or my website, www.marthabeveridge.com .

21 Early Warning Signs for Relationships in Distress

You’ve no doubt read warning signs for physical problems like cancer, strokes, heart attacks, and possible diabetes. There also are plenty of radio and television programs as well as magazine and internet articles that alert us to indications of physical, emotional, and sexual abuse, not to mention possible problems with drugs, foods, cars, the air we breathe, and the addictions we create.

Despite the warnings we receive, it can be difficult to heed them, especially when doing so may mean facing major challenges and making changes in habits and life styles that though painful, are old, comfortable and familiar. We become accustomed to the ruts we create for ourselves as we live our lives day to day. It seems easier to rock along with the way things are than to risk shaking things up by waking up to problems we don’t really know how to face.

I present the 21 warning signs that follow with awareness that you’ve probably already heard enough warnings to last you for a lifetime. If you are brave enough to keep reading, you may recognize come of these patterns in your life. If so, you may be reluctant to consider how powerfully they affect you. Obviously the point in putting these warning signs out is to present a sort of wake-up call for marriages and intimate partnerships that are ailing. But just as we may reach over and silence the alarm clock when we don’t want to get up to face a new day, you may want to tune out concerns you feel when you read them.

Needless to say, tuning out can be costly. Everyday in my office I talk with couples who say, “I wish we had done this years ago before we did so much damage to our relationship.” While there is still plenty of hope for healing marriages, even those in severe crisis, it certainly is easier to address issues before they’ve had years to fester.

There is also the further objection that funds are short and you may not see how you can afford the cost of marital counseling. I would remind you that divorces are lots more costly, not just financially but also emotionally and physically. Couples coaching and counseling doesn’t have to take forever. Just a few sessions can make a big difference in your marriage. There also are excellent books to read that can help you get started on the path to healing. Check out Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix, Hot Monogamy by Pat Love, and my book, Loving Your Partner Without Losing Yourself.

With all that said, here are my 21 early warning signs for relationships in distress:

• You no longer have a 5 to 1 ratio of positive to negative interactions between you and your mate.
• You hide your true feelings from each other – especially anger, hurt, and disappointment – in order to avoid conflict.
• Your unexpressed feelings gradually have become a wall of trivia that creates distance and disconnection between you.
• You fight frequently about time, money, and sex without solving anything.
• You often resort to the ABC’s of power struggle. You attack, blame, and criticize your partner.
• You believe your partner is responsible for what is wrong between you.
• You try to control your mate’s behavior.
• You have little empathy for your spouse. Instead you are convinced that you are right, and he or she is wrong.
• You want to change your partner so you won’t have to change yourself.
• You act with your partner as if you are a parent correcting a misbehaving child. Or, you behave with your partner like a child trying to manipulate a controlling parent.
• Your sexual relationship is suffering.
• You talk more openly with friends and business associates than you do with your mate.
• You are flirting with having an affair - or having one.
• You are closer to your parents and original family than you are to your mate.
• One or both of you is addicted to alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, food, work, TV, the computer, or other activities that numb your pain and isolate you from each other.
• You and your mate relate to each other through your children rather than directly.
• You rarely spend time together as a couple without the children or other couples to distract you from each other.
• You fill your time with work or other activities so there is no leisure for relaxation and romance.
• There is physical, emotional, and / or sexual abuse in your marriage.
• One or both of you refuses to ask for help to heal your marriage.
• One or both of you is depressed, physically ill, anxious, overweight, or having lots of physical pain.

If you recognize issues in your relationship, I invite you to bite the bullet and risk saying, “I think we need some help.” I know lots of people think they should know how to solve their problems “on their own.” The trouble is, if they knew how, they would already have managed to make the necessary adjustments. The truth is none of us had much or any real education about relationships and how to understand what they require. We expect to receiving job training, we go to school to become skilled enough to practice various professions, we are endlessly fascinated with coaches who create great football and basketball teams, but somehow we imagine that when it comes to marriage, we’re just born knowing what to do. For most of us, the major model we have for how relationships function is our parents’ marriage. Emulating what we experienced and observed growing up works well for some people, but lots of folks are pretty clear that the last thing they want to do is to recreate the dysfunction they saw in their childhood homes.

We wouldn’t expect a sports team to be great without a lot of expert coaching. We know a football team couldn’t function without regular practice sessions, effective communication during huddles, skilled direction from the sidelines, and great leadership and cooperation among team members. Why expect great relationships without effective coaching and regular practice sessions designed to develop excellent communication, great teamwork, and genuine cooperation? Surely your marriage and family are worth at least as much effort as we expect from a sports team.

It’s fun and greatly relieving to move beyond the inevitable power struggle phase where relationships typically become stuck. Once you and your partner experience the joy of becoming conscious in your loving and relating, you open the door to romance and pleasure far greater than what you felt during your courtship. You become vintage lovers who like fine wine are seasoned and enhanced by jointly mastering the real life challenges of living in loving relationship. It’s a journey. Now is the time to take the first steps. Bon voyage!